What defines me?

[amazon_link asins=’B0748NNDK8,B06XHXC5XJ,B00338QENI,B01IPXY01S,1401952232,0452295726,B00UGDXUXK,1439170916,B007ZDRJ5O’ template=’ProductCarousel’ store=’buchtelassoci-20′ marketplace=’US’ link_id=’66fb77d6-bb64-11e8-a6ee-9b6023ecacd6′]This week I went back to the doctor. Twice in fact as I needed a referral from one to get back into the other. It’s no secret I am no fan of a doctor at all. Going when it’s absolute need and never in between. Entire pregnancies with only one or two trips into see the ob wasn’t uncommon.

When I heard the word Cancer I heard my death sentence. Coming to terms with it gave me even less motive to visit the doctor. What could he/she possibly tell me that I would even want to hear at all? No news seemed far better then the loads of bad news I was always getting.

Looking back it’s not really a surprise that I would avoid it. Each pregnancy complicated and test results within those that were extremely scary. Being told Klowey had trisomy 18 during my pregnancy with her. ( It wasn’t true) Going through premature pregnancies and struggles with my children.

Needless to say I went back to the doctor this week as soon as I found out I had insurance again. My will to live is so great that I feel I need to be there sitting on that table knowing exactly what I need to fight to over come. Buying each and every day I possibly can is my goal. So my stance on chemo will never change but I never took time to hear anything but that.

Not entirely sure I even processed what the issues were that first apt. It’s all so clouded. I realize I can’t process anything while I am emotional at all. Knowing that now I am prepared with asking my doctor to clearly write her notes in my chart. The things she communicates with me verbally in my apt to be written and put in that chart so I can reread and process once I have settled my emotions.

That chart is pretty much genius. Confidently I can read understand and search for information on test results or what the doctor thinks. Leaving me able to make my best education decision on my health. It was difficult to admit that I needed that chart to understand and process things.

So this week I went to the doctor and got some meds basically to tolerate the pain and ongoing issues. That doctor also gave me a referral back to the specialist I had been seeing. Both ran a mess load of test. A biopsy that seriously was just freaking awful! Now tomorrow bright and early I am scheduled for an ultrasound. Those results all coming back in ten days.

Ten days and I will know something… I will then take that information and decide what the plan is. The plan to give me as many days with my family as I possibly can! My drive to survive far greater than it has ever been. Striving for a better future.