What defines me?

Cancer , A Dozen Kids , Life, Struggle

Co-parenting mommyof8withcancer.blog

My co parenting journey feels more like a nightmare! For the longest time I was hell bent on keeping the man that donated sperm to give me my four oldest kids away. Selfishly I just held so much hate in my heart for that man. I doubted his parenting abilities and had my head set on keeping them away was the right thing to do.

When I got sick I thought oh no I have done so much to prevent visitation. ( legally of course) If this man gets my kids when I pass away they don’t even know him! How can he father them if they have no relationship?

In a shear panic I did all I could to start a healthy bond between my ex husband and his children. At one point placing our youngest son in his care entirely. He moved to my town and there I was reaching out in every way I could.

Taking his wife ( the woman he had an affair on our marriage with) to the store, to their storage shed, just running errands. Her not having a license and him being on the road for work it seemed like the right thing to do. Show my kids that I could turn the other check. Maybe even allowing them to love her as their mother by them seeing me not hate her.

My son started to miss school. Show up to school unprepared. Parenting plans made together seemed to be dismissed in my opinion and my anger begun to build again. Next thing I knew an officer called me.

Sitting in the room hearing that my girls had been touched inappropriately while in their fathers care. Another minor in the home stole their innocence. The devastation reigned heavy in my heart. I forced them into the harm where they were hurt. Life seemed surreal sitting in a room waiting for an officer and social worker to tell me my daughters had been abused in such a manner.

The cops telling me to end contact with their father until I hear further. I do just that. Stop contacting him for him to play the role of father any longer. Never did I have to turn him away as he never contacted us either.

Later child support court comes. It’s now been a solid year since any of us have had any contact with the so called father. Assuming he has fled the state again we never gave it much thought until court papers arrived. Child Support does reviews every three years. It was time for ours. Never has this man had regular overnight visits. Keeping up with being in the same state and having time to make the kids priority wasn’t there. The child support was giving him credit for overnights that were ordered. I filled in that they were not happening to dissolve the credit.

This must have lite a fire under my ex husband’s ass because the child support recommendation was to greatly raise the support and he was ready to fight that.  He requested a hearing. I had to now be present. Fearing being in that room with him for a solid three weeks before we were to attend our hearing. I walked in to find out he would be attending via video conference.

He told the judge he was denied seeing his kids. That he didn’t know how to contact us. I had not changed any of my contact we were still living in the same home. Kids with the same face book’s. I had been told by an officer not to send them until I heard further which I had not!

The judge informs him how to enforce his rights to see his kids. My mind really raced with are you kidding me thoughts? I have to remind myself she knows nothing of the back story. This court room isn’t here to hear of anything visitation related at all. I take a deep breath and listen to him use any tactic he can to lower support. He falls short of doing so though.

Walking out of the court room and into the elevator I feel applaud that this is my life. I don’t worry much of him taking me back into the room for visitation because it’s more for lowering the support then actually caring to see his kids. Support is now unable to be changed for three years. Our kids will all be close to adult age by then.

Next I get a cps call. Anyone else heart race when your phone rings from them? Mine did that is for sure. They needed to meet with me and discuss the situation that had happened at my ex-husband’s. The devastation that had been hanging over our heads since. We had been in limbo since meeting the officer and social worker and entire year before.

Now the rules are laid out. A safety plan in black in white. My children’s alleged perpetrator unable to ever be alone with them. Visits to start in a public place. I agree to the safety plan after hearing the sob story of how much the kids father misses them dearly. In my head thinking this is all bullshit he doesn’t even know how to love them.

You’d think that after all that my cell would be ringing for visits to start right? Nope me and the kids had to make that call. In fact having to contact another family member of his just to get contact information. As it was not made available to me.

Since there have been a couple short lived visits. That is it just a couple. Now I make contact again for my kids sake. They request a movie with their dad. All four wanting to go. Allen hasn’t had a visit in ages at this point. He wasn’t present for the couple that had occurred.

This week plans are made for a visit. A movie date the four kids and their father alone. He makes a call to Allen and talks of a card game Allen enjoys. Implying he may purchase him some. Giving the impression that on Sunday he would be present to pick them all up.

As the week starts to come to an end. We begin to grow impatient in wondering if he will come.  Our youngest daughter together has a new cell phone. Boy is she a social butterfly. Can you imagine how many times he has texted him…… one response was all there was. Nothing of the movie plans. We all reach out to see if the plans are on. No response at all comes back to any of our attempts.

Once again another let down. One I clearly could have prevented by just not promoting this relationship. Wondering often what the best move as a mom is? I feel like I am failing to protect them! I don’t know what to do anymore.

One thought on “Co-parenting Nightmare

  1. Cin says:

    I’m sorry about your daughters. That would kill me. I honestly do not know how I would have reacted. Your kids will see it for themselves as it starts with no response back, ditched plans and so on. A judge can issue this and that but he can’t continue a false face for his kids. Everything comes to the light.
    Keep crushing it!

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