What defines me?

[amazon_link asins=’B01NBRDAOI,0399174826,1454926317,B07D984RS4,1632170965,1856753530,1507204914,B00JK86OAI,1929109539′ template=’ProductCarousel’ store=’buchtelassoci-20′ marketplace=’US’ link_id=’269a74b0-b9d1-11e8-9949-e515c2e3db21′]Lately I have put in a lot of effort to working on myself. It’s hard to prioritize that. Self care is last on my list that is for sure. Since being with Marc I see things differently. It’s almost as though the clouds are lifted. There was these dark clouds of shit that needed all my attention and they never would move so that I could pay attention to me.

I’ve noticed things about me now that I didn’t see before. Like I notice if I get emotional my thought process is completely erratic. If I think a question Marc is asking may disappoint him for instance I panic and scramble unable to speak clearly the answer. My mind feels confused and isn’t sure how to answer. Disappointing him is hard for me.

I can be put into tears easily just thinking I have not answered something properly. Or if I think my answer will disappoint him. Did you take your medicine today. Often is a time when I feel frantic. If I have taken it I am eager to please and answer. If I have forgotten I begin to tremble. Then stumble for the answer or beat around the bush frustrating him.

Mere moments after the situation I can see what I have done. I can rationalize and then reword. Sorry babe, I only took it once today because I was running around. Taking it again now. Until I have walked away and cleared my head I can’t say that in the moment. That moment I am just fearful and panicked.

If I don’t understand the question I can’t verbalize that either. My head just panics on me. Oh no you don’t have the answer for him. Maybe he will be disappointed. Then too I have to step out and back in to clearly state I need him to reword what he is asking. I do this with more than just Marc.

On the phone trying to speak to a customer service can give this response. Or just being in public and someone speaking I hate letting anyone down. Marc is more significant a response because the fear of letting him down is far greater than letting down others.

So I’m working on myself. Trying to learn to communicate when I am simply confused by the question. Not panic at my confusion and fear what may be thought of it. Trying hard to allow myself to not be perfect. Not expect perfection it’s okay to make mistakes.

I’ve been trying to be verbal with Marc when I do have these feelings. If I can’t right then in that moment, then when I walk and clear come right back to him and tell him. Hey babe, your question I don’t know how to answer it and not be disappointing. Or I fear my answer might not be the most pleasant. I just don’t understand. It’s been rewarding sharing my thought process with him.

He and I then can discuss why or how I got there. How my mind was confused. Maybe just him letting me know he wouldn’t be disappointed and that it’s silly I think he would is what I need to hear. Whatever the situation may be I am working hard on communicating and not feeling like the weight of every negative thing is my fault. It’s draining when you go through life laying blame at yourself for everything. Things out of your control weighing you down. Burden that has no need to be there for it’s not yours to carry.

Seeing the positive effects already from working on myself. I’m still crying all the time though cause now I am crying sharing my thoughts. Crying while he talks me through them. Gosh knows I am crying during the hug after because his love is soothing.