What defines me?

Cancer , A Dozen Kids , Life, Struggle

You know I don’t feel safe with my bathroom door closed. That is one of the crazy effects of abuse that still linger. I remember being 17 pregnant with my first child. In my own apartment. I had a job I could walk to. I had the perfect location. I was happy and alone.
Then Keith appeared back into my life. He showed to my home after daily letters sent for seven months there he was. Within days the abuse began again. I believed all the things are different it will be better. There I was locked in a bathroom my ex husband beating down the door to get to me. His best friend in my living room pretending not to hear my cry’s. I can’t remember why we were fighting.

The bathroom door split down the middle with him trying to burst in. The metal towel hook on the back of the door busting open the back of my head as I was standing against the door attempting to not let him in. Down to my knees I fell. Finally the friend gets him away and they leave. Damage was done the landlord no longer wanted me there after the destruction to her property. I no longer wanted the bathroom door closed. That trapped feeling lingered.
Another effect of the abuse still lingering is I feel responsible for anyone around me having any negative feelings. If Marc is bummed from work and I can feel that he is not his happy self. Instantly I feel it’s my fault.

We stood in the kitchen him explaining how he simply can’t always be happy. He will have a stressful day it won’t be my fault. I fell to the ground in tears. Him just saying he won’t be happy made me feel like I was failing him. Of course how darn overwhelming for him. Just telling his girlfriend he can’t be happy all the time sends her to tears. Any grumpy day I take on as my responsibility and it in turns ruins my day. Overwhelmed with sadness if he isn’t in a good mood. No matter what I say to myself I can’t convince my mind he isn’t mad at me. That he won’t leave me.
I want so badly to erase the abuse. The effects of the abuse are holding me hostage. Imagine how hard it must be to love me? With me constantly taken on blame for all negative feelings you ever have. All great love is meant to be hard I guess.
Will the effects of the abuse linger forever? Will I trust in being enough for Marc? Is there ever a end to feeling like I fail him? I apologize more than I say I love you some days. Saying sorry for dinner being late. For dinner being less than perfect. I apologize when things are completely out of my control because I feel as though it is my burden.

I can’t have an normal life. The effects of the abuse I have endured changed me. Now what is there to do to make myself easier to love. How can I let Marc have a bad day and not worry that he is making me sink in depression from it? How do I shut the bathroom door and not feel overwhelmed? How do I move forward?

4 thoughts on “Effects of Abuse

  1. Respect! you are brave enough to speak about your trauma. Have confidence in yourself, and be strong, you have the willpower to get over it. All the very best to you

  2. Esther says:

    Leaving the door of your bathroom open is also a good idea so as for what happened before never to happen again. Prevention they say is better than cure.

  3. Can I hug you, Dani? I’m simply lost for words, sweetness.

  4. Jessie says:

    Oh my lord. I just want to hug you. How brave you are though, for sharing your story as painful as it is. Thank you for letting other women know that there is life and strength after abuse. I have endured abuse in the past; physical and verbal/mental and I know the struggle of everyday to be “Normal” and to not apologize for things that aren’t in our control. Girl, you are not alone. <3 <3 <3

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