What defines me?

Cancer , A Dozen Kids , Life, Struggle

It’s been some time since I have spoke of my choice to place Luke for adoption. Every time I drive through Stevensville it’s like driving down memory lane. It’s hard. I mean it’s really really hard.

Here is the backstory. My pregnancy was not planned. In fact I had done pretty much all I thought I could to prevent it. I was a mom of 6 kids. A half a dozen is already a lot to handle. I was maxed.


My pregnancy being unexpected, I wasn't prepared for it's financial burden. I was now on bed-rest. A million things go wrong when your already low. It did. Fuel tanks bursting in basement. Vehicles breaking down. It all just hit hard.

I fought hard to put my kids into private school. Them being involved in the church was very important to me. I was walking into the church after my pregnancy news weighing down on me. When I walked up to a fellow church member. ( I never did finish the classes to become a member I was in them for years though and it was my church in my heart.) She must of seen my despair written all over my face. She asked if I was okay. I burst into tears. I told her of my pregnancy and my worries. She too cried.

She then told me of her sister's journey to have a child. She didn't push it. She didn't need to. As soon as I heard of Joy and her husband I knew that was who should raise my baby. It was so heavy. Then we emailed.

The emails made me know she was who I needed in my life then. When we meet I knew she was who was to be Luke's mom. The struggle would have been great that pregnancy and the stress high. It was not because of Joy.

In fact it was my healthiest pregnancy. 9 pregnancies under my belt so that is truly speaking volumes you see. She was at my side for it all. Every worry, every time I needed to talk. Every time I needed chocolate milk!

I know the adoption was the best choice as a whole. Driving past that church I so badly hurt. I hurt for all the moments I missed. I hurt for all the love I can't give him. The kisses I am not able to give him.

Driving through the town past the street where Luke's Aunt lives. Whom I'd love to see and hug but I can't. I can't because it hurts. I can't because I haven't ever figured out how to stop the tears. Running like a river down my cheeks now.

The feelings are brought to the surface more and more because the man I love lives in the same town I did when I gave up Luke. I left right after and never would allow coming back into the area because it hurt less to not think.

Many time at the stop sign of the church I am hiding the tears. As I drive to the Martins I hope I won't see the family of my son. I fear the tears I would cry. Eight years feels like yesterday when I pass the memories driving by.

One thought on “Driving Down Memory Lane

  1. Abby Schoenfeld says:

    Girl, my heart goes out to you. Love and hugs. ♥️

Leave a Reply

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.