I have been thinking a great deal of my character flaws lately. Some that I didn’t really know were flaws before. I have this need to help. Maybe it’s a need to feel needed. I’m not sure.
I really can’t say I have many friends. I have people from the past that I spent my time with then but I don’t now. They still linger on face book for an occasional chit chat but I text no one. I call no one. I give my time to no one. Well almost no one. Marc is the exception to all rules. I rarely go an hour without talking to my main squeeze.
So anyways back to the flaws. I have this need to help. Lacking a connection with anyone though. I will see a post on face book and rack my brain to find a way to fill someone’s need but I don’t connect. I’ll bring you groceries. Love your babies and then just leave.
I am more interested now in being a volunteer rescuing those in need then being that “friend”. Getting so overwhelmed in a friendship that has needs I can’t fufill. I can’t let anyone in, I can’t trust. The connection isn’t there. I have no clue what anyone has going on in their everyday lives nor do I ask. I’d rather not make the emotional ties.
I will be asked for help and run to that. Someone stranded needs a ride. Someone needs a phone bill paid. There in fact is always someone in need. Either I find them or them me but no bond is built. I have shut that part of me down.
Marc broke through and he gets all those wonderful parts. He has the me that intently listens. I give him my focus and I want to know everything. I don’t know that I ever want to give time like that to anyone else.
Doesn’t that sound awful and selfish? I don’t want to be hurt. I don’t want the drama and pain that comes from building a connection. With Marc I know he’s forever. It’s safe, with others that is often not the case and not worth the risk. I speak more now to my readers then anyone else. I correspond better with those who I can keep at arms length.
My blog so raw, So real, I never filter any emotion or thought. I can’t do that with a human being though. I enjoy helping it gives me the fulfilled feeling we all desire. Often I am just in peoples lives because they know that. Yet, is that not why I keep them in mine? I clearly don’t want further connection. Flawed I am.