What defines me?

My four eldest children all have the same dad. My first husband and I had a miserable marriage but from it we gained four irreplaceable miracles. I try hard to co parent without judgement. He makes it so incredibly difficult to do. Two years ago Christmas Malachi my youngest son with my first husband was given a bike by him and his wife. Some brand name of Mongoose. Which was apparently a big deal. It was a used purchase but still very appreciated by my son. It was like gold in his eyes. A gift from a man he had very little time with a few fond memories of.
The bike soon became a tool used against him. He was not allowed to take it home. His half brother that resided at his father’s home was always on it. Malachi’s jealousy over the issue grew quickly. Coming to a head when his father would move away taking the bike with him for him to no longer have any access too. It was a crushing blow to have a gift that your not able to use. To know others were gaining enjoyment for what was meant to be yours.
Now two years later we receive a call. Ironically the call came just hours after a conversation of not hearing from him in some time. The call was Keith. The kids dad. Asking Malachi if he still wanted “his” bike. Without hesitation Malachi said yes. A bit more of a awkward conversation proceeds before Malachi hangs up to tell me just that how awkward.


This morning while I am up blogging the rest of the house still fast asleep my phone rings. It’s Keith again. I hesitantly answer, hello. Hearing him say my name still makes me cringe. He informs me he will be at our house in 10 mins. I wake Malachi so we can meet him outside. As he unloads the bike, the chain is off rusted and twisted up. The tires are both flat. The inner tubes and the tire itself gashed in each. The rubber covers to the handles are destroyed. Keith exclaiming it was the 14 year old half brother destroying the bike. That the boy didn’t want Malachi to have it. He speaks of his wife and son stealing his belongings. Sharing things with Malachi that would just have been better left unsaid. Here he is standing before his son who he hasn’t seen in weeks. That he has only seen three times in the last year. All he can talk about is negative things others are doing unto him or his kids in revenge of him.
My head is screaming hug your kid. Don’t wait for him to hug you grab him up! I plea of ways he can spend more time with them and he shoots me an excuse with every plea. I stand in disbelief as we were just sitting with a judge and cps worker who said Keith longed for time with his kids. I promise I have not prevented that. I offer that he should take his daughter. The daughter he let get raped in his home and he should give her time let her know he isn’t angry at her for the events that took place. I tell him she is sad that she hasn’t had the time tat he gave the others. That she may feel that telling what happened to her is why. It gets me no where. I stand wanting to scream HOW DO YOU LIVE WITH YOURSELF!!!!
As he list things Malachi will need to do with the bike he says I guess if your mom can’t help you get it going tell me and I will try to get you some tubes for it. Are you kidding? Like here it is here is that chance to bond. Scoop it up say hey lets go to Aunt Jennifer’s garage and put some tubes in. Lets go to meijer and do it shit. Grab the time grab it and use this chance. But he passes it to another man. Marc can help me, Malachi says.
The conversation then turns to child support. Why is this conversation always held in front of our kids. Your putting a value on them! Then complaining about it! LIKE GEEZ! We went to court I didn’t pick the number you fought the number and lost. So what is there really to talk about? Nothing…. but every time the kids want to do something or have a fundraiser or ask for something you tell them ask for child support. Frankly you paid 14 dollars per kid per month for years and years I couldn’t even feed them on that. Here we are now with it at a substantial amount. Not a crazy amount for the number of kids or income you have but decent. So lets complain and whine every chance we get. Even if your going without if it’s for them not to isn’t that how it should be????
He leaves and peace is gained. A hour passes before Marc and Malachi are in the garage finding the tools they need to work on the bike. Marc takes him to buy what he needs. He helps him and tells him stories of his first Mongoose. They share the bonding time Keith passed up. After the bike is running Marc grabs Malachi and pulls him in for a hug and tells him he is proud of him. That is the moment Keith could have had. That was the moment when Malachi knew who loved him. He doesn’t need to guess or wonder Marc affirms his love constantly. I am proud to give my child that kind of love. I am so grateful for what Marc is to all of us.