What defines me?

Cancer , A Dozen Kids , Life, Struggle

So I failed to fake anything yesterday. It was impossible to hide how terrible I felt. Marc that amazing man of mine he knows all though. I got up made him some breakfast and Malachi and myself just a bit of something. After finishing I ended up asking to just lay down a bit. I must have fallen asleep because I woke still in bed. I felt no better and just stayed cuddling him the entire day.
Eight hours we spent in bed. I woke a few times mumbling an apology telling him I was fine and just tell me when he was ready to go flying. It’s okay we will go later no worries my love just rest he would say. I would drift back off like this on and off. Waking and making attempts to not ruin his weekend. He knew I couldn’t have gone and done okay. So he held me all day long. Watching movies and napping himself.
That evening we got up and I showered feeling a bit better we went and picked up a couple of things we needed at the store for dinner. In the store I wanted to cry leaning up to the cart hoping I could just get through it. I would make excuses to look in a different direction so I could embrace the pain without him noticing. He would have left the store with nothing if he had known it was difficult for me.
I was starved. Days it had been since I held down food. I was desperate to shove everything in my fat face. I picked out cookies and yogurt excitedly. When we got home I went straight to cooking. Spaghetti and meatballs. A home made recipe passed down from my father. I got the meatballs in the oven and water boiling and back to the bedroom I went to sit. I tried so hard to just be okay the entire day. I even took all my meds. Which I often don’t because frankly who can afford that shit? Not me… not without taking from the minions and that will not ever happen.

Dinner is here and I am famished. I get a plate with 2 meatballs and maybe enough noodles to fit half my palm. Not much at all. I grab two bread. I finish one meatball quickly. As soon as the last bite hits my mouth it begins. It's like someone is in front of me punching my abs. It's making me want to cry. I slow my eating maybe in my starvation mode I am shoveling it in too darn fast slow down. A few more bites. Maybe just some bread will be okay. Marc is on his second plate now. I am still here struggling to finish bread. It physical hurts to put the food in my mouth. I stop clearly my body has had enough. I set my plate on a end table next to me. Staring at it hungrily.
I get a call from my daughter that we need to get her picked up NOW! It's an s.o.s. call and I need to move. We stopped everything and went. Picking her up she was clearly in distress. After getting back to the house I sat on the bed and snacked one cookie. Just one cookie. Within seconds made a clear run to the bathroom. Hear it comes. The vomiting, one hurl and my teeth are aching. That is the worst. My muscles in my stomach are going crazy. I knew not to eat that cookie but brain was so craving that damn thing. I called to Malachi for a wash cloth. I am in tears quickly. Once I have started to get sick my stomach is just in the excruciating pain. Malachi was quick to tell Marc when he came back from the basement. I tried to down play but he informed me the bathroom was over him and he heard it all. :( I ruined the day. HE worried all of it. I just don't know what else I can do to get better. I didn't get to bed till 2 am this morning. Back up and running by 7 am. I am not feeling any better. Under my ribs now so tender from the puking. I am going to cook breakfast and try to put on my fake face.

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