What defines me?

Cancer , A Dozen Kids , Life, Struggle

I try hard to hide anytime I am in pain. Marc knows me well enough to know each face though. Yesterday I came home to his place and I hadn’t been feeling well the entire day. When I got here I tried to eat something and lay down praying it would give me some relief. After that failed to do so I hoped up and showered. Sitting in the bottom of the shower I prayed. Please let me have time with my family tonight.

I slipped into bed after the shower every intention to blog my heart out. To promote, to accomplish something! My eyes shut, and I was asleep. Sleep does the body good though right? Marc came in trying his damnedest not to wake me. He clanked his keys and I rolled over pleased to see him. His smile from trying to be quiet and failing was one I couldn’t help but remember. That smile is permanently etched in the back of my mind.

He held me a bit, I tried then to hide how horrendous my pain level was. Truthfully I was at a resting 7 at the time and ready to cry. At a 7 I can fight back the tears though. Train my mind to concentrate on him instead of the gut wrenching pain. He got in the shower and I curled into a ball. Holding my legs high and applying pressure to my chest and stomach did relieve some pain. I was still hungry and Marc and Malachi were ready for dinner. I had eaten a grilled ham and cheese about 75% of the way and 8 kernels of cheese popcorn for the day. Shouldn’t be hard to fit in a meal before bed. YAY RIGHT!

Culver’s is the choice Marc decided for dinner.  I love their food and the custard is delicious. Malachi had never remembered going before. So he was excited to try something new. In the car I would try not to look Marc’s way to much. Knowing he would see in my face how hard it was to bare the pain. We got to the restaurant. I had forgotten my glasses and the place is packed. For some reason this menu is harder to read without glasses then most. I had to walk up to get a better view. I look back seeing Marc talking to Malachi and not looking at me. Gripping my stomach, I try to get relief. Pressure helps sometimes in the right spot.

Sitting for our meal I quickly eat. It’s delicious and frankly I am so freaking hungry! A plain chicken sammy, and cheese curds are all easily finished. The last bite hits my mouth and it hits me. The nausea is here full force. My stomach is turning. I can feel that I am going to get sick. The boys begin talk of ice cream. Marc insisting I have some. I already know it’s out of the question. I won’t hold down the food. I express needing the bathroom. He says, ‘lets pick out what you want first. ‘ Eye contact is made between the two of us and it’s no longer hidden what is physically going on with me. He holds me, you don’t have to get anything if you don’t want to. He knows. I collapse on his shoulder. I don’t want anything I need to get to the bathroom babe. Sighing, I let him know I don’t feel good. We will wait for you he says.

Must have been in the bathroom for ages. I heard 5 people enter and exit while I was getting sick. I have almost perfected quietly puking my brains out. I know when to flush to hide my gagging. Tears down my cheek as the pain in my teeth is here now full force. You truly have no idea what excessive vomiting does to your teeth holy cow it’s awful. I take some reglan and suck up all I have left to return to the table. My wonderful boyfriend can see it all over me what happened. He knows now I won’t be ordering anything but of course still offers me anything my heart desires. He takes my son up to get his. The two can’t see me while standing in line and I take the moment to regain my strength. I have some breathing exercises I do trying to ease my stomach muscles after puking. I sometimes do them while eating too cause that can just hurt. Getting through the boys eating ice cream was difficult.

Walking through the front door I said hi to the birds in passing and went straight to the bedroom. I laid down and covered my butt up. I got my meds. and tried to just relax. I asked Marc permission to stay in the bedroom and blog and relax. He in return asked if he would be okay staying in the living room with Malachi and taking out the birds. Neither cared if the other did what they were asking. A kiss and we departed to our spaces. I could see him and the birds from my room. My bed is directly across from his chair. When tears rolled my face I turned my body away from him and toward my computer. Hiding everything the best I can. It’s the only thing I try to hide. I can’t see him in pain it’s just far worse than any physical pain I endure and he is in pain every time he notices mine.

I woke several times in the night. Some he noticed and held me. Gripping my hand, rubbing my face. I feel so awful when I wake him crying or getting sick. 6 am I hugged the toilet thinking what is even in my stomach to puke for goodness sakes! 720 there again unable to stop getting sick. Tears can’t be stopped. In and out of bed I have been. In and out of his warm embrace. I am resting at a 7 on the pain scale again this fine morning. I have thrown up 6 times since going to bed.

Big plans for Marc to fly his planes today. I won’t ruin that. I will put a smile on and pretend as though I am not feeling like death and wishing I was in bed.

12 thoughts on “Hiding My Pain

  1. Amber says:

    Why are you in pain so much? I don’t mean to be rude, I’m just trying to understand it so I can fully understand your blog.

    1. daniellemomof8gmailcom says:

      I have cancer.

      1. Sigrid Says Blog says:

        I just read your comment about cancer. My heart goes out to you. 🙁 I pray for healing and an ease in your pain.

    2. Sigrid Says Blog says:

      Same here. I am also trying hard to understand your post. What is the background? Sure appreciate a link to an earlier post about why you are in so much pain. By the way, you are fortunate to have Marc 🙂

  2. Such an emotional post 😦 I am so sorry to read about all the pain you are going though. I have just noticed why you are in so much pain and I hope things get better for you very soon. I hope you are getting the help and treatment you need.

  3. I am sorry you’re in pain, I hope that you feel less pain as soon as humanly possible. keep your head up and stay strong!

  4. Kemi says:

    I’m so sorry to read about your pain. I hope you’re taking medication for it and not just grinning and bearing. No doubt, it pains Marc to see you in pain and he knows that you’re hiding it.

  5. I am so sorry to hear you are battling cancer, so much love to you. It sounds horrendous and I cant even imagine, wishing you so much love and strength. xxx

  6. Elizabeth O says:

    It must be so hard for you. I am so sorry you have to go through this, but is sounds like Marc is really supportive and you’re lucky to have him

  7. So sorry about the pain you are going through and we pray for your strength while you battle cancer hoping all becomes well sooner especially through medication.

  8. Iya - louisa says:

    A very emotional post. When my Mum had breast cancer she did the same and id often find her secretly crying upstairs etc.. Its ok to show people you’re in pain sometimes, sometimes you need to lean on others to get stronger.

  9. I am so sorry to read about your pain. I hope and pray it gets better.

Leave a Reply

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.