What defines me?

Cancer , A Dozen Kids , Life, Struggle

I shared blog post earlier this week of a story I had shared that was to dark for my boyfriend to bare hearing. Yesterday he began to now question that story. In attempts to hear what he had previously shut down. I didn’t share. I just hugged him and avoided us bringing it all up again. Now I can’t get it out of my mind. None of it. See I have a baby daddy running from the law. It’s baffling some of how he can remain untouched. I myself have been there and know how easy it is to be on the run. Six years ago, I was living in Niles. I had just left the man that at the time if you would have asked me he was the love of my life. The soul mate of my life. I know clearly he was nothing of the sort. I left him and moved because it was the choice best for my kids. Chuck had found a house in niles with a yard and a basement. Jeff and I at the time were sinking in debt in a trailer we had no idea how to even pay that month’s rent. Chuck put an offer on the table for a better life for my kids. When I went back Jeff went back to his wife. They had their own issues. Something happened in Tennessee between them. I never knew or cared for many of the details to be honest. Never the less Jeff contacted me from there. He told me he was coming back and we would make a way to make it work. He moved down the street with his mom and sister. His wife held a hate in her heart for me. As much as I blamed her for ruining our love she blamed me for doing the same. Neither of us able to see that it just wasn’t love at all. I bet we both see that so clear now. Needless to say Jeff and I secretly begun to date again. I would sneak from my house to his and he would do the same. He was like an addiction I could not get enough of. My landlord charged an extra amount to rent the garage. One day Jeff got caught by Chuck at my place. Which was really in our name together but he had retained it and his name was first. Jeff broke into the garage ( just opened the door) and took a bike. The bike had just one pedal was very old mountain bike it wasn’t worth much. Rusted and spray painted the thing didn’t look like much. He took the bike to his mom’s where it sat for a day came back and it went again. The last time the bike went Jeff’s wife was at his house. She was good family friends to his family and it wasn’t out of the normal for her to visit. At the time I had not really a clue there was an issue with us being together again. He had always had a clean break from her before pursuing me despite what was thought. I couldn’t be more dead wrong though. That day all hell break lose at Jeff’s mom’s. The resentment his family had at him for what he wasn’t doing to pull his weight blow up like a time bomb. In the center of the choas was his wife. Jeff placed a call to me. I took Chuck’s truck and went to get Jeff. I was fully prepared to convince Chuck to let Jeff live with us and all would be done. Then Jeff went back into the house for something. I waited in the truck to have his wife run out and attack me. I never moved. Never rolled the window up, I never hit back I never did a thing. Jeff got in my truck and someone in his mom’s house called the cops. Jeff was wanted and now I was harboring a fugitive. 20 mins later cps and the cops were at my home. My kids in the middle of a mess. 20 mins was all it took for my life to be destroyed thinking I was in love. Giving my loyalty to a man who didn’t have any value for me. I lied to the police at Mcdonalds while Jeff hide in the bushes. All the while the bike now left in the basement at Jeff’s mom’s home. Jeff and I find a back yard to hide in. A safe zone so we thought. It was there we had sex…. It was his priority if he was going to jail. He told me he was going to turn himself in because of my kids and my risk. I cried and cried thinking this was something so heroic. Clearly love in the purest form…. NOT!!!! So Jeff and I meet the cops at the park and he turns himself in. I watch as they drop him to the ground. He gave me everything he had before they took him. Kissing me on the cheek before entering the cop car. I went home thinking that’s it it’s over. I can turn my focus to just getting shit together. I was so determined I cried and sought to be a better mother. Somehow I get drug into getting Jeff’s stuff from the curb as his family put it there. It was raining I couldn’t let it all be destroyed. I wish I had my life would have had a much different path. When I got there with the police to get the things from the rain. The bike was brought out. I gave the honest story leaving out that I didn’t rent the shed and taking the bike to put back! Which I DID put it back~!!!! No damage nothing wrong with the old bike. SO because nothing happened and there was no trouble. The family took it a step further calling my landlord and telling him of the bike. He called the cops to see if the story was true it was of course. The landlord was livid! The bike belonged to his son he swore the garage was locked. He came to our house like a bat out of hell searching praying something would be missing from the garage. Nothing was not even the bike as I returned it. He still pressed charges. He got Chuck to go against me playing a pity party of how I was cheating and the landlord gave a new lease to chuck taking me off it and pressing charges for b and e. I hadn’t ever gone into the garage ever. Never knew what the inside even looked like at all. So I ended up with receiving and concealing stolen property under 20$ I ran! I knew I was going to have a warrant and that I was taking the fall and I ran. I had no where and no one so I left on foot. I slept under this little bridge area that I had been taken to with friends and remembered the location. My 2nd husband was also on the run and sometimes I could stay at this house with him. I could bathe there a bit. It didn’t have any electricity. It smelled so awful. I spent 4 days straight just cleaning it. There was no hot water of course so it wasn’t an easy task. A few days in we were able to get a cord ran over from the neighbors and run one or two things at a time. I was thrilled for a bath. I still went to the bring when I needed away from him. I spent 6 months on the run but only 27 days of those did I have no where to go. Hailey who was in the third grade would come to me on her bike. She would bring me food and water. Whatever she brought was my only means to anything. My charge so simple why even run? Well see I am all the kids have. Even though they could easily stay with Chuck while I hide if it was in the open that I wasn’t there the kids would get lost in the system. I didn’t just sit on my butt though. I cleaned the home where I could go and I got myself a bathe and cleaned up. I called my 2nd husband’s grandparents and I got her to take me to find a job. I walked into the first place they took me. A truck stop. Honestly I think they were there for gas but they had a hiring sign up and I jumped on it. I walked in thinking I am not leaving without this job. I had a interview on the spot and I got the job. Wanted by the police but now employed. My next step was to see my kids. I hadn’t seen them all at once. I remember calling my mom desperate asking for food and money for a night with my kids at a hotel. She brought me 200 dollars. With that I got a trailer and a hotel. I found a trailer that was just 100 deposit. I convinced them to take payments from my checks till I got caught up. It was small it was not the best shape. I had to store the kids dressers on my front porch as they didn’t fit in my home. I was losing everything I had worked to gain in a instant because I was seeing the wrong man. I was blinded by any of the bad choices thinking I was in love. Once I got in the trailer I wrote Jeff everyday. He convinced me that he took the charge for me. That the reason I was so freely able to get a job. ( police came into work every single night and seen me I mopped at their feet with my name tag on) He told me I was free and clear and to please be at his court date. He begged and said it was to prove my loyalty. I had my own place, a job, all my kids back at one. I had been doing well an entire 5 months…. on the run 6 solid months. I sat in the court room waiting to see Jeff enter. I see his wife instead. She gets loud and causes a scene telling them I am wanted. No one knew I had even gone to court. I was arrested. I went in smiling thinking he would see I was loyal never thinking of how he wasn’t. I had starved, slept outside in bugs, I went without my children, I was now going to jail and he hadn’t really done a thing for me. Of course I thought he went to jail for me and now I was him. I thought we were soul mates. I thought like a lunatic. I went to jail for 5 days my kids went to foster care. My entire life crashed again. Later I had probation and I failed at that too. I spent 9,000 in cost of lawyer and jail and fines and cost. I had not ever really committed a crime. I have a permanent record. My child saw me living on the streets and in filth. If I can run and only be snitched to be caught how long do you think my baby daddy can run now…. How long will he have to fester on what I have done to him. I blamed Jeff’s wife for the longest time. I had the craziest ill will toward her in my heart and mind. I am sure now that is what Chuck is too feeling. I wish I had meet Marc then. I wish he had taught me how to be loved before I made so many mistakes. Before I let fake love destroy so much. Of course I appreciate it so much more knowing how horrible that fake shit feels. I see so many of my friends still trapped in it and wish I could find all of their Marc’s for them too.

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