What defines me?

Cancer , A Dozen Kids , Life, Struggle

Friday night I went to night sad. I felt like I would never have anyone to freely share life’s journey with. My significant other as wonderful as he is. Isn’t perfect and he hurt my heart and shut me down. I had cried myself to sleep that night but really said nothing to him for him to even know he had hurt me. The next morning when we woke I mentioned nothing. I cooked his breakfast for him and we began our morning snuggle ritual after he finished. During this he rubbed my face and begun his apology. He said after I had fallen asleep he thought about the situation all night. He called himself an asshole lol. Spilling his heart out of how it is painful for him to hear those memories. That he wishes he had been there to protect me that it’s difficult to hear how I was treated. I instantly burst into tears. Your all I have to tell. If you can’t hear those mild things I was sharing how will you ever be at my side now for court. I have an up and coming court battle that is going to pull many demons out of my closet. It is already opening so many wounds for me that once I am on that stand I can’t even imagine my state. I would need him more then than ever. I told him of how I wished now I hadn’t moved forward with court. I regretted everything I have done. I still do. Marc offered his apologies and promised to listen going forward. I wish I could say all was fixed during morning snuggles. That I felt secure in being able to be raw and open. That’s not the case. I feel better of the night. I took comfort in him knowing he had hurt me and reaching out to fix it. Without any prompting for me to even know I was hurt as I cried facing away from him and never mentioned it. I don’t have any confidence in him wanting to hear the misery though. I won’t be speaking on any of the letters. I won’t be sharing my fears of court. As painful as keeping it bottled feels it’s far more painful to know sharing is me causing the man I love pain. I now wish to silently go through court as painless as possible. The pleas I hoped wouldn’t happen… I prayed last night they would. So I never get on that stand. So he never hears.

5 thoughts on “Making Morning Amends

  1. Breanna says:

    I am so sorry you are going through this. I hope you can find a good support system with anyone in your life.

  2. Kelly says:

    I’m sorry for everything you’re going through. Stay strong. Your partner will understand and it’s so important to be involved in the court process so don’t give up.

  3. lisajakesmomma says:

    I’m not sure exactly what you are going through but it sounds so difficult. You are blessed to have someone by your side who loves you so much and is willing to admit when they screw up. That is pretty rare. Good luck and stay strong!

  4. theemilkbarr says:

    This hit home..we fight so many battles in silence already and not being able to open up to our partners adds so much more to it. My Fiancé and I have gone through this and still do. It’s very difficult but it makes you guys stronger when the communication is in play. Keep staying strong and Pray ❤️ Know that everything will work out in court and with the relationship bumps. It always does.

  5. Sweetannu says:

    Love reading your posts.

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