What defines me?

Cancer , A Dozen Kids , Life, Struggle

Last night I was laying in bed cuddled up to the man of my dreams. I’m not really sure how the conversation started but I was sharing memories. Memories of my life before him. The life that made me who I am. As I was sharing, he shut me down. He asked me to stop. He told me he didn’t want to hear such depressing stuff. He proceeds to tell me he just wants to enjoy me. I felt an instant low. This isn’t the first time he has shut me down for sharing. In fact it happens all the time. He does the same to the kids. Our memories are NOT all sunshine and daisy’s. Most of it is sad. Mine even more so. The thing is are they really sad? I mean yea I went through some shit but I over came some shit! Doesn’t that therefore make those memories triumphs? I sat in bed wanting so badly to explain to my love how it feels to have just one person to confide and that one person doesn’t want you too. I haven’t had the courage to share before him. I knew no one wanted to hear my story. I have courage now but it’s all on deaf ears. I need so badly to share. I need to just get it all out. Be held. Be loved for all the bad that was my life. As I laid next to him and cried trying to hide it he apologized. I know he doesn’t mean to be hurtful. He likes positive and happy things is all. I can’t find enough to share that fits that category. I want to tell him of the letters I am receiving. I want to tell him how fucking sad I am. Instead I’m letting it eat me. I’m desperately seeking a friendship. I have none. I mean none. Not one person I will share with. I went to bed without cuddles. The first time I have been upset and offended. I get his thoughts, I get that hearing things can be difficult but those things made me who he loves. I woke up at 7 am puking my brains out. By 10 am I was in the bottom of the shower rethinking of last night and crying again. If he can’t hear these memories how on earth will he be at my side for court? It’s impossible so that too will now need to be done alone. I wish I could go back and not press charges. I wish I hadn’t done anything. I have started in motion what will bring out so much depressing stories. That he doesn’t want to hear. Life is utterly lonely!

8 thoughts on “Feeling More Alone Than Ever

  1. Lana Cole says:

    Awe… I know how this hurts, when you want to share a part of yourself with someone important to you and they reject you. 🤗🤗 hang in there…

  2. Smear says:

    I know where you’re coming from! My ex-husband was like this as well. He never wanted to hear the depressing stuff. I hope you and your partner are able to work through it!

  3. Maybe it’s just because I’m the opposite, but how can a man be unwilling to be there for his woman and not be willing to listen to her vent?

  4. Gikonyo Leah says:

    I agree with you. He needs to come to terms with your past and future to better strengthen your relationship ANd if he don’t listen ask him why he doesn’t want to help you cross that trump path of your past? and is if its wrong for you to just seek that one honest ear to cry out to? . If he don’t give you the time just embrace yourself with the reality and trust me gal you’l figure out something before its too late.

  5. My husband is the same way. But I realized I have a couple people in my life (my best friend and Aunt) and of course God, that I can share everything with and really want to know and share. So I go to them for that and to my husband with the good and lovey things. One person cannot be everything for us. ❤

  6. Have you shared this post with him? It is a powerfully written, soul seeking post. I am married to one just like yours, he’s only about the happy stuff. He did go through my cancer treatments with me, so that is one memory I don’t have to share!

    1. daniellemomof8gmailcom says:

      I haven’t shared with him he prefers not to read my blogs. GIves me space and privacy to freely write. We did share our feelings the next morning! Its hard to only share happy stuff sometimes those memories are fewer and far between.

  7. Glenda Cates says:

    You need to talk to him because you can’t hold things in it can make you sick. I understand he doesn’t like things that are sad it is part of life and he has to come to terms with it. Sharing is caring.

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