What defines me?

Cancer , A Dozen Kids , Life, Struggle

I try desperately to avoid my illness. I love pretending it doesn’t exist. Putting it in the furthermost corner of my mind like it is in a time out. Every morning is the worst. I wake up feeling cramps and wanting to hurl. The worst thing about all the puking is my teeth and mouth they just ache. The cramps in the pits of my stomach and the sore muscles under my ribs I am sure are from the puking. The meds feel like they barely take the edge off. The goal is to fly under the radar so no one notices my struggles. Showing those I love how truly awful feel just makes them then ache for me. Sympathy isn’t something I long for. Some its far easier to hide the bad days from and some it’s nearly impossible. I wonder how much pain I cause my children when I am unable to hide it. I try to always be the first one up. I know those mornings are the toughest so I get up early to battle them alone. On the weekends when I am home with him its better. The whole house is silent and Marc doesn’t wake to me getting sick. I can climb back into the bed and slide to him to be held. I can cry without being noticed. I can ball my knees to my chest like I am now. I can be angry that this is my life. I am you know. I am angry this is my life.

I can't understand why I deserved this. Or how my kids could deserve the punishment of the possibility of losing their mom before they themselves are adults. I am angry that I have had to fight my whole life to find happiness and now it's here and I honestly don't know how long I can hold on. There is blood in my urine these days and less times am I able to control my bladder. I'm getting sick daily. Did I mention my teeth hurt! Omg do they hurt each time I vomit for hours after my entire mouth just aches. I can't remember the last day I felt myself now. I'm always this shell of myself trying to hide everything that I feel. I had hopes of this new doctor... Of course I've ruffled enough feathers at my home that my landlord didn't get my paperwork back to me in time and the insurance option went back out the window. I haven't took a stand about that either... My home it's a joke. Nothing the property owner said would be done has been. In the office they said we are going to fix everything in your home because that is what you and your kids deserve. That was 6 months ago. I wonder if the present condition is really what they feel we deserve. I have written letters and not sent. I frankly have been in fear of the what ifs. I am pretty over letting people walk on me and standing back and spinning my thumbs. This is more than a faulty furnace. I now can't get my son's toe surgery he is desperate for. I missed an opportunity with treatment that I was excited to take. Not ever have I missed rent... I think it's time to take a stand there. I am just going to be sick and die or fight. Fight for respect I am owed and fight to get better. My home being in the condition it is isn't good for my health or sanity or pocketbook for that matter. My head is spinning of rantings can you tell? I think I get far more emotional on the high pain days. My stomach feels like it's on a roller coaster while being punched in the face. Even taking a nice deep breath balls me over in pain. I need to stick with little short breaths to ease it back to tolerable. The tears are rapidly flowing down my face now. I just want a home some insurance and a fighting chance at life that is really all I am asking.

7 thoughts on “Some Mornings Are Rough

  1. I am so sorry you are going through this you don’t deserve to be living like that at all. I had cancer 4 years ago and underwent chemotherapy for 6 months and I know that pain I know the feeling of your teeth hurting and trying to shield it from your children every day being a single mother it was bluddy hard work being sick and unable to give them the life you want them to have. The daily struggle of feeling alone but not wanting sympathy or people taking care of you. I feel you mama I cried reading your words because I’ve been there not so long ago. Sending love and prayers your way you are stronger than you realise believe me. Don’t give up mama you can do this!

    Kimberly xo


  2. It’s a very tough time that you are going through, stay strong and this phase will pass away very soon. Hope you start feeling better with each passing day and may time give you all the strength that you need. You are already so strong and doing great with tackling everything. kuddos to you. Much Love, hugs to you. Sending prayers on your way! You will WIN !

  3. Kermilia says:

    I’m so sorry to hear that you are going through this! I appreciate your transparency in this post as I’m sure it’s difficult to share. You and your family are in my prayers!

  4. CANCER????????????? ha…………..
    when some one is diagnosed with cancer, they get a shock once and then the things get worse with period of time.
    Many people have many views on the disease and to be frank and truth chemotherapy is not the only cure.

    1, own will power to fight the disease and make a thought that, i can and i will live till i desire.
    2. forget you got something called as cancer.
    3. go on vegan diet plan and make a diet plan with organic food stuffs and clean out the junk food and other food.
    4. eat more of boiled vegetables and avoid roasted or oily stuffs.
    5. intake more amount of fruits and juices in diet.
    6. go for eating raw turmeric 100 gm/day and increase it to 150 gm maximum per day.
    7. drink boiled water or Luke warm water rather then chilled water.
    8. do some exercise regularly and meditate daily when you get free time.
    9. Consume honey mixed with water and avoid sugar as sugar mostly form carbon inside body.
    10. Have a thought always i can live and i will, no death can touch me.

    I bet, u feel the changes if you gona follow my 10 points. Don’t know in which stage you are of cancer, like stage 1 or 2 or 3 or 4.

    Its my passion to fight with diseases and make people smile and live their life.

    “chemical medicine work for a while, its temporary and makes pocket getting holes”.

    for further discussion mail me out at my mail address.

    I am not against medical science, but i am against thiir way of thinking or the principle of making people pocket getting holes or making profit rather then curing some one.

    1. In my opinion, this statement is ignorant and horrible: Yes, you feel better eating healthy. No, you cannot cure a terrible illness with any sort of food no matter how healthy. Giving a person who is suffering from a terrible illness a list of what to do makes that person in addition to her suffering responsible for her well-being. When she’s barfing her guts out, it doesn’t make a difference what she is barfing. Cancer is a horrible illness, we can be grateful that there is medication that might increase our chances to survive it. People who suffer from cancer do certainly not need tips what to eat or how to be a stronger person. When she feels like shit, she feels like shit and she is entitled to feel like shit. She already has the sickniss, she doesn’t need to be made responsible for how she feels. Neither a positive attitude nor hot water will make it go away.
      Hopefully a responsible doctor and the right cure will.
      I wish you only the best, Danielle!

      1. You may be right on your way as i can say that you have not got any person who knows to cure.
        Doctors are the people who tries to makes holes. I can say not all but there exist many and more to that pharma is much costly now a days.
        ,May be you are not aware much then google it in depth that, what does chemotherapy does? it enhances the cancer not decrease it as while terminating the cancer cells it does effect the normal cells too. Apart from that if a person loose hope while having cancer then it really effects it’s health.
        Being focused to medicines and doctors won’t able to cure. If so then many could have got cured.
        It’s same like that of a slow poison and that is diabetes. Many doctors recommend insulin to cure diabetes but it’s not.
        I love to cure diseases and hate the medical protocols. Any ways it depends on public wish to follow my advice or not.
        It’s true when we get something in cheap or free , we get a doubtful feeling for that thing. Every cheap thing is not bad. sometimes it is good too. Costly is not always the way. If still want to loose out pockets then can go with high tech medical science.

  5. Hold on, we are here for you.

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