I try desperately to avoid my illness. I love pretending it doesn’t exist. Putting it in the furthermost corner of my mind like it is in a time out. Every morning is the worst. I wake up feeling cramps and wanting to hurl. The worst thing about all the puking is my teeth and mouth they just ache. The cramps in the pits of my stomach and the sore muscles under my ribs I am sure are from the puking. The meds feel like they barely take the edge off. The goal is to fly under the radar so no one notices my struggles. Showing those I love how truly awful feel just makes them then ache for me. Sympathy isn’t something I long for. Some its far easier to hide the bad days from and some it’s nearly impossible. I wonder how much pain I cause my children when I am unable to hide it. I try to always be the first one up. I know those mornings are the toughest so I get up early to battle them alone. On the weekends when I am home with him its better. The whole house is silent and Marc doesn’t wake to me getting sick. I can climb back into the bed and slide to him to be held. I can cry without being noticed. I can ball my knees to my chest like I am now. I can be angry that this is my life. I am you know. I am angry this is my life.
I can't understand why I deserved this. Or how my kids could deserve the punishment of the possibility of losing their mom before they themselves are adults. I am angry that I have had to fight my whole life to find happiness and now it's here and I honestly don't know how long I can hold on. There is blood in my urine these days and less times am I able to control my bladder. I'm getting sick daily. Did I mention my teeth hurt! Omg do they hurt each time I vomit for hours after my entire mouth just aches. I can't remember the last day I felt myself now. I'm always this shell of myself trying to hide everything that I feel. I had hopes of this new doctor... Of course I've ruffled enough feathers at my home that my landlord didn't get my paperwork back to me in time and the insurance option went back out the window. I haven't took a stand about that either... My home it's a joke. Nothing the property owner said would be done has been. In the office they said we are going to fix everything in your home because that is what you and your kids deserve. That was 6 months ago. I wonder if the present condition is really what they feel we deserve. I have written letters and not sent. I frankly have been in fear of the what ifs. I am pretty over letting people walk on me and standing back and spinning my thumbs. This is more than a faulty furnace. I now can't get my son's toe surgery he is desperate for. I missed an opportunity with treatment that I was excited to take. Not ever have I missed rent... I think it's time to take a stand there. I am just going to be sick and die or fight. Fight for respect I am owed and fight to get better. My home being in the condition it is isn't good for my health or sanity or pocketbook for that matter. My head is spinning of rantings can you tell? I think I get far more emotional on the high pain days. My stomach feels like it's on a roller coaster while being punched in the face. Even taking a nice deep breath balls me over in pain. I need to stick with little short breaths to ease it back to tolerable. The tears are rapidly flowing down my face now. I just want a home some insurance and a fighting chance at life that is really all I am asking.