What defines me?

Cancer , A Dozen Kids , Life, Struggle

I truly thought that when I paid the price and bought my freedom I’d be just that free!!!!! I feel far from it though. As others give input from the outside perception of his insanity he claims as love for me I grow even more fearful. See I thought it would be as simple as giving him everything and running away. I did NOT run nearly far enough. The escaping it hasn’t been achieved. Today in midst of an awful fight he would spew the most evil words I could hear…. and I know what your thinking … did he call you a bitch, tell you you were the worst mother, and yes he said all of that and many other hurtful words… the most evil though were the I love you’s between those. I think it’s the worst thing you can possibly do is lie about loving someone. I mean clearly you can’t love someone you can threaten, hurt, and abuse. I just don’t understand how he can use my name and love in the same breathe. I wonder how the hell he can cry and request pity for him having no one between his cursing and threats of taking my child from me. I have tried keeping in mind that his childhood was  damaging. Maybe he doesn’t have a clue what love is or how to love. If I am being honest I can say I had no clue until Marc walked his fine butt into my life! Every I love you he gives I respond with an I hate you. If I react with that hate he then reacts with threats. I laugh and say see this this is your love and then he will change back again to I do love you I will change I promise…. The same promises for over a decade how can he possibly think that they hold any weight in my mind at all. He does though he thinks this cycle is a life to live. I think living this life is exactly why I had no fight in me.. I want so badly to be without stress to give my body what it needs to fight for my life. After one of his I love you’s I respond with I love Marc! He again responds in anger as I knew he would. I am no better than him you see I provoke knowing that any words I give about Marc will be painful. He brings out the absolute worst in me at all times. I hate the me he brings out. When he is to the point of threatening Marc and the claims of how he will beat him. He tries to throw high school insults on a man not even present to defend himself. I brought that on though bringing him up but I want so desperately for him to move on. He again threatened with how his kids can’t be around Marc. His poor children love Marc. They spent last weekend at a babysitter as I appeased his request then too. I wish I weren’t still afraid. He has nothing else to hold above my head all my secrets have been aired. I still feel like he is the puppet master and me his puppet. He told me today he was taking me to court for my kids. Can you imagine. Then said I love you. I will take the only thing in life that matters to you I love you so much. IS he so broken he thinks this is love? Do I offer my forgiveness and just let it be? He was never what I thought he was. I seen him as a rock for so long but he was just simply a fixture not a rock. He was not there to achieve goals and move forward with a future he has held me down and buried me in a sadness. The guilt that this is now all on Marc makes me feel just awful! I truly love Marc and know he deserves so much more than I can give. I have children with monsters. Men who will go to no lengths to make our lives harder. They will get pleasure from doing so. I know he deserves the world. I also know no one will ever love Marc as much as I do. I cherish the ground that man walks on. He is the mental stability I needed. My balance while walking the tightrope. I feel whole and loved. I am a better me in many ways. He helps me be a better me. A better mother. I hope and pray I can find a way to break free and give Marc the life he deserves I am an abused woman simply wanting a better life. .

5 thoughts on “How can you hold claim to this as love????? IS there any escape for me?

  1. I had to stop all communication and get an order of protection because I was terrified. I dropped the order of protection to save money (lawyers are expensive) and he seemed to understand that he did not have the legal right to come into my apartment, etc. My only communicate with him about the children and only by email now because I was losing my mind. Do what you have to do for yourself and your children.

  2. I had tears reading this! Girl you are so brave and strong and I am so glad I met you <3

    1. daniellemomof8gmailcom says:

      Thank you so much for your kind words!!!

    2. daniellemomof8gmailcom says:

      Thank you for reading! Thank you for the kind words I don’t always feel the bravest so it’s empowering to hear. 🙂

  3. Jessica says:

    Escaping is hard and the pain is real, you did it now be happy like you should be! Is it that easy? no its not, it hurts, mentally physically emotionally and to hide it from the kids to be strong even harder. I AM PROUD OF YOU

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