What defines me?

Cancer , A Dozen Kids , Life, Struggle

So I didn’t tell dinner from my side and my actions just as I seen my kids doing. Truthfully my side should be told as well. See when we sat down I already was full of worry. I kinda always am with food. The menus before me seem overwhelming. I am starved staring at the choices. I probably haven’t taken a days worth of calories all week long. I am beyond starved  as half those calories I vomit back up. Even when I tell people I am doing okay holding it down I am not!!!! So in my mind I am playing okay what do I want that I’ll be okay possibly puking in 5 mins. I am searching for the bathroom doors and wondering how many people maybe inside it if I have to go hug the porcelain God. I also have to worry about the daughter who is struggling with the font and reading the words on the menu and feeling overwhelmed and a son that is trying to experience all he can from his meal. I grabbed his leg before deciding I was going to get my favorite exactly how I enjoyed eating it. I order my nachos with nothing but meat and cheese. So when you order mexican and you leave out all of the rabbit food let me just tell you how skimpy the portion then becomes.  So I add extra of both meat and cheese. I swallow hard looking back at Marc. He smiles the reassurance I need but he has no idea he is even giving. Again he is perfect so most of the amazing things he does require no effort at all. His smile always warms me from the inside. Soon I see people walk in that I know… Memories that aren’t to fond. Ones I still want to share with him though. I know he hates negative stuff and maybe I shouldn’t always share them when they come up like that but he held me and let me cuddle him to pieces after and you know once he told me that the people I knew went to the back room I never thought about it again throughout dinner. I had gotten out he parts I needed to say and he had given me the comfort and listening ear I needed and then we just moved on.  I seen them again when going to the rest room but felt nothing as I had when they walked in. It was just another person in the restaurant was all.  Food arrived and I want to hoover it. My doctor apt was the afternoon before going to dinner and this is something I had just been told not to do. My tummy would need time eat very slowly. So I am eat time telling myself chew slowly as I eat. Still very focused on getting it in my belly! I eat about half my small portion. Not very small though if you ask me. Then I start to feel very full and cramping begins. My guilt is already setting in. My meal was expensive how can I not finish it.  I had FORCED HIM to PAY EXTRA for my extra meat and cheese and now I was leaving some of that on the plate. I surely hadn’t forced him at all but in my head that is exactly what I am thinking. The waitress comes to take everyone’s plate. I make sure I am still picking from mine when she does so she makes no attempt to take it. I simply can’t leave not finishing this plate. Now she brings the check. Oh no I have to see what it’s charged him for this. I have to resist grabbing the check as I know he feels better paying for dinner. It gives him pride in himself and I don’t want to take that from him. ( we’ve had these talks many times about dinner is his job to buy for.) So I wait for him to grab it and flip it and get out his card. He has established now that he is paying. Okay, it’s safe to slide it to me and look at it. One dollar and seventy five cents extra is what the fee was. Back to picking the toppings from the chips now. Gorging myself and starting to really cramp. I wonder had I stopped when I knew I should if I could have prevented getting sick. I picked and picked until he said he was ready and rescued me from my plate, from my own head. I got up and knew I was going to get sick. I have practiced how to get sick as quietly as I can now. If I said nothing no one would know. No one did. I rinse my mouth in the sink a million times because now my purse contents are missing and I am not protected with the mouth wash it would normally carry. My battle armor is gone. 🙁 I come out to find he waited for me before going into restroom his self so I would not think he had gone to the car. The sweetest gesture of course made my head worry. He had been waiting do you think he knew I was getting sick? Did I take so long it’s noticeable? He wraps his arm around me kissing my forehead and we leave the building. The food was delicious he was not worried about my dollar seventy five one bit and he later raved of the time he had with us. I wish I could worry just a bit less. HE loves me. I wonder if I will spend my life reminding myself of that or if one day I will let all of these foolish worries go. All the pain from that past one day might just stop crashing through. Before writing this blog I created it in my head while shedding the tears it deserved and coloring my pain away. I often play a blog post in my head before typing but I never reread them I type freely. This is the page I am working on. In the coloring book that was here waiting for me when I arrived home for the weekend.

16 thoughts on “Dinner at the Mark

  1. Marion Njeri says:

    Is eating a struggle?

    1. Absolutely! Food is the enemy!

  2. kage2015 says:

    I order what I want Nothing says I have to eat all of it. Same for hubby.

    1. I wish things felt so simple for me.

  3. tina grant says:

    Does this happen everytime you eat? If so you may want to see a doctor. It doesn’t sound healthy to me. I hope it gets better for you.

  4. tina grant says:

    I just saw that you have cancer, now I understand. Sorry I didn’t realize. I hope you pull through. I am a cancer survivor myself and know the struggles you are dealing with.

  5. csuhpat1 says:

    Blessings to you and I hope things it get better.

  6. twiggie says:

    Omg I love how you called it “rabbit food.”

    1. Lol glad you enjoyed

  7. I can’t imagine how you must feel. Wishing you the best.
    Xo, Sondra

  8. Reading this reminds me of my mom and her struggle to eat during her chemo. I know she has been trying hard to nourish her body and sometimes I was way too pushy for her to eat more. I pray it gets better for you every day.

    1. Thank you so much for your prayers!

  9. Elizabeth O says:

    It sounds like a real battle for you but it seems to me like your man is truly supporting and loving which must be a real comfort for you. Stay strong and I hope that the sickness subsides for you soon.

    1. He is my rock without him I am not sure I could fight my battle. He is my armor.

  10. Chuck says:

    Hope things will work out soon. More power!

  11. This is such a difficult journey — I hope that writing it down is helping you to work through it.

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