What defines me?

Cancer , A Dozen Kids , Life, Struggle

Yesterday Marc took me and two of the kids out for dinner. He takes us out pretty much every weekend at least once typically far more. Malachi seems to pretty much always choose being with us no matter what other offer is on the table. I noticed a few weeks ago each time we go out to eat he chooses something he has not ever eaten and it’s usually on the expensive side. The first time we went out Marc told him he could choose as he wanted. There were not any restrictions. I am positive that he has ever felt that was the case before dinner with Marc. Dinner was always on a budget and even if it wasn’t it was just known to us we weren’t worth those expensive meals. The man in my life has ALWAYS controlled the finances ( dispute it being my area of expertise) even if I was the bread winner. It was the man who got the expensive meal and we did our best to stay as low as possible. Most occasions the kids and I got water while the man choose as he pleased. We were not the priority. It’s not that Marc’s financial status is greater as you would think. If there was a budget for the meal with Marc we wouldn’t know as it is him who would adjust his meal to a lower price to compensate. We aren’t beneath him as we have spent our lives feeling before. There isn’t a pack of cigarettes or a bottle that will come before us being spoiled. When we got home from dinner laying on his chest I had tears flowing down my face trying to explain to him what he does for us. I swear he is the very best thing for my health and stability. I think he got a bit of what I was trying to say but he doesn’t grasp how much we appreciate his love. I’d give my last breath to him without hesitation. I have found it a bit difficult because feeling this happy and loved shows me so much of what I was lacking. My entire life no one could give me this. I just never ever could feel loved. It was a lonely pathetic existence. I was always trying to change, trying not to say no, trying to be what and where they wanted so someone would pretend to love me. Marc never even had to say the words. I felt his love far before he said them. I trusted in it before he asked me to. I feel it in my soul. Not all of the kids feel it that deeply. Some are still worried he will walk away. That negative actions will send him running like the rest. I know Jade feels unworthy of it. I know she needs his love as badly as I do. I can’t wait till the day I can see he has melted all that for her. I know he will as I know he truly loves us all. He loves my crazy even. I have had hard time thinking my emotional wreck self is lovable. You know the one where in your head you know you look like a lunatic from the outside but 7 kids, no sleep, 3 baby daddies, and life that shit just made you unable to calm down and be a rational human being in anyway.ย  He loves that me! I can see him as nothing less then completely perfect. He has woke up and now I can’t seem to find a thing important enough to write with cuddles so openly available. If I lay down he will pat his chest like Tarzan for me to take my place on it. I get so excited to be his Jane. ๐Ÿ™‚

3 thoughts on “Being His

  1. It will be awesome when all the kids know in their hearts that he isnโ€™t leaving. ๐Ÿ’™

  2. He sounds amazing!

    1. Gosh he is I am so blessed.

Leave a Reply

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.