What defines me?

Cancer , A Dozen Kids , Life, Struggle

I really had no idea how broken I was until he loved me. A lifetime of pain made me a shell of who I am suppose to be. I had told a horrendous lie that I thought was simply the only choice on the table. I held that lie with my life. I let it control my life. I allowed my kids dad to black mail me over this lie. The power I gave that lie and the person holding it was consuming. I left the man who loved me in attempt to hide my lie. I felt at a fork where I was choosing my love, or my kids. That left me with no choice at all because what mother could choose anything over her offspring. In a panic I found myself complying to all the rules and ultimatums as I always have. I was instantly miserable and depressed. A black cloud surrounded me within mins. 5 hours of complete agony. Five hours snout down my face crying gasping for my breath. I was clearly in a panic attack. I wouldn’t even open the door my love could not even look me in the eyes. He couldn’t look at me and fix things because I wouldn’t allow him. I told him nothing of the lie or the black mail. I just cried uncontrollably. He got down on the floor. Under the door he grabbed my hand. My heart sank my tears poured how badly I wanted to be on his chest. How could I choose him over my kids? Hours later I unlocked the door. I poured out my heart and pleaded for his love. It never faulted. It mattered none of why I left him with a letter. He never cared about any of the events just how he could help me fix them. He simply wanted to protect me. He didn’t have any anger. I couldn’t even fathom how he could be there. How he  could love me after me leaving in that way. I tried to plan and execute us keeping the secret under wraps until we had what we needed for our dreams. I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t let another man speak so ill of the one I loved. I couldn’t let another man touch me. I couldn’t pretend. I blew it all and the flood gates opened. The lie poured out and damage was monumental. My heart wrenched for my son. I wanted badly to scream from the rooftops why my choice was the only one I had. I was willing to give up the only man I had ever loved to protect the lie. Protect my child. I failed. It is all out. I may never see him. I may never get forgiveness. My heart shattered but there is no more anyone can do. It’s all over now. My penance paid. The statue of limitations is over I had kept the lie long enough. The damage is still far to great for me to see the light yet. I do know he will love me through it. I know I won’t be alone. My pain won’t be by burden to myself. He will be there and he will get me through it. I haven’t ever had so much faith in anything as I do in his love. I know we will find a way to make things right again together 🙂

One thought on “Loved me through the worst

  1. I am glad you are free at last. The future is bright and wide open now!

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