In my soul I feel the agony right now. Today my entire world crashed before me. I was a pawn in a game he created and I fell at his feet. My heart will never feel whole again. I will never find anyone outside of my kids that will love me. I destroyed the only man who ever knew how. I knew from the very beginning I was not good enough for him. I brought drama into a life where there was none. In his bed I crawled with another man in my home beating my ass every time I returned. He was worth the beatings the drives to his house for a hug. I felt like his burden to bare. Every time a disaster or whirlwind of terrible things came tearing throw I turned to him. I never in my life had any trust in anyone but I trusted him with all I was. I am sure he put the same trust in me for me to burn it to the ground. I am the heartbreaker. I can offer him no explanation. I can’t speak and pour my heart out. I can have no further contact. The risk is far to great. How could I do this to the only man that loved me. I must be the most horrible human to walk the entire planet. I want to run back plead for forgiveness beg him to save me. The tears flowing are my own fault. I let someone control my every move my entire life and I just can’t break free from it. The black cloud follows me there is no escape from it. I punished myself and my children leaving far more than any other punishment I have ever beared. I’d rather be back in that camper rope to my wrist being raped again than this pain. How can I be this person. I knew I shouldn’t let him love me. I knew I was undeserving and yet I soaked it up till the last drop. Now I sit back on empty. Where Ill remain till the last day. I hope he finds a love that he deserves he is the greatest man I have ever had the privilege of meeting.

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