What defines me?

Cancer , A Dozen Kids , Life, Struggle


In my soul I feel the agony right now. Today my entire world crashed before me. I was a pawn in a game he created and I fell at his feet. My heart will never feel whole again. I will never find anyone outside of my kids that will love me. I destroyed the only man who ever knew how. I knew from the very beginning I was not good enough for him. I brought drama into a life where there was none. In his bed I crawled with another man in my home beating my ass every time I returned. He was worth the beatings the drives to his house for a hug. I felt like his burden to bare. Every time a disaster or whirlwind of terrible things came tearing throw I turned to him. I never in my life had any trust in anyone but I trusted him with all I was. I am sure he put the same trust in me for me to burn it to the ground. I am the heartbreaker. I can offer him no explanation. I can’t speak and pour my heart out. I can have no further contact. The risk is far to great. How could I do this to the only man that loved me. I must be the most horrible human to walk the entire planet. I want to run back plead for forgiveness beg him to save me. The tears flowing are my own fault. I let someone control my every move my entire life and I just can’t break free from it. The black cloud follows me there is no escape from it. I punished myself and my children leaving far more than any other punishment I have ever beared. I’d rather be back in that camper rope to my wrist being raped again than this pain. How can I be this person. I knew I shouldn’t let him love me. I knew I was undeserving and yet I soaked it up till the last drop. Now I sit back on empty. Where Ill remain till the last day. I hope he finds a love that he deserves he is the greatest man I have ever had the privilege of meeting.

One thought on “

  1. But you CAN break free. And maybe you could beg for forgiveness… but not to be saved? Do what you can to make it right and if that isn’t enough, at least you tried.

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