What defines me?

Cancer , A Dozen Kids , Life, Struggle

So why stay in such a toxic place with him for 15 years… I believed honestly that no one else would or could love me. I thought that the emotions he showed were love. I would leave all the time and just to end up right back in the same spot. His tears of forgiveness and his words of “I’ll change” always played with my guilt. I would hear him say I don’t have anyone else and know to my core that was true. He has no one. So I’d stay and be miserable thinking if I didn’t maybe he would commit suicide. That would clearly be my fault if he had and how could I then face my daughter? I have watched my own children go toe to toe with the man they have known as their father their entire life to come to my defense. He does want to be a good father. He doesn’t beat his children or neglect them. He would without question give them his last dollar. He has given up his life to raise them. The truth is though our children deserved better than what they seen with us both in the same household. So now here is the tough part. I have paid my price for freedom and broke away from this man. But he is the father to my children. Even the ones he doesn’t share dna with the bond is there. Even through whatever anger the kids have right now the love is far greater. I want so badly to foster a relationship with him and the kids and make it a positive loving experience for them. I just do not know how. Chuck doesn’t know how to be loved or love. If your own mother is able to toss you across the room to your grandma in a argument with your father it is clearly hard to understand love. Our childhood stories are not the same. The pain we carry from them is. I have more understanding then most when it comes to Chuck and the damage he has to his soul. He blocks out many memories as I have. There are pieces that don’t make sense to him. I think he longs for clarity to some of his childhood without the knowledge of how to find it. He is a very selfish individual but again I think that plays back to the child hood trauma too. Or is this me again making a list of excuses for the men who beat and raped me my entire life? Is it me who is the pathetic one with my list of excuses for their behavior. For my need to fix those who took everything from me. I mean lets be honest every horrible event for the past 13 years can come back to this relationship. Yet I still worry and want to help him. I want to make him a better man for my kids. I very well may be a fool.

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