What defines me?

Cancer , A Dozen Kids , Life, Struggle

This story goes way way back. You see after a failed marriage I found myself alone and clinging to anything or anyone who showed attention or love. I was living on my own in a small one bedroom apt. I had 3 children and a 4th on the way. I was young just a mere 20 years old when I meet Charles. One day sitting in my apartment with a friend we found ourselves feeling about as stir crazy as it gets. My friend, she had married as a teen as well. They had separated shortly after their I do’s and I had never had meet him only knew of his existence. As the night went on and the jitters grew we both contacted the men we were still legally married too. Somehow a brilliant idea of a 3 some for the use of a car crossed our minds. Neither her or I had any means of transportation. Her husband, well he had many questions and never really just said yes. Which is really all we cared to hear. So we hung up rather quickly to proceed to asking my husband. My husband was far quicker at responding with yes. In fact 10 seconds after calling he was already on the way to us. Upon his arrival the two of us took off in the car he had arrived in. Leaving him to babysit his own children. We were in the middle of a nasty divorce. Surely we were not on good terms whatsoever. But the offer of sex put all that aside. Once we were in the car we had no idea where to go or even what to do. We ended up in Walmart just walking the aisle without making a purchase. I remember thinking I had just sold myself for a trip to walmart. We debated not going through with our end of the deal but there was a very significant difference between my husband and hers. Mine would take what was owed to him even if she was a stranger. After walking Walmart for a measly 30 mins we went back and fulfilled our commitment. Nothing of the threesome was enjoyable. It had not been my first and it wouldn’t be the last. The next morning her husband started to message us. He was curious about the deal he had not taken. I think he was disappointed when he had found out that Keith had. He ended up coming to take us to run errands the following day. In the car he and I sat while his wife, my friend, went in and out at varies stops throughout the day. Charles later ended up messaging me. It was so long ago that our messages were on the yahoo messenger platform. AT first he spoke of wanting his wife back. Quickly it turned to him having a desire to make me his. I was kinda seeing someone on and off at that time. I was facing an eviction from my home I had just lost my job and my husband. I was a complete disaster in heels. His attention drew me in of course. It was all I had craved. Being wanted, desired, loved, fake or not it felt amazing. Soon he and I were seeing each other and his wife and my soon to be ex husband ( we had already started our divorce proceedings before these events played out) were as well. It had become a wife swap in real life. In the beginning I had just gotten my taxes. We ran away together hotel rooms and time spent with the kids. We enjoyed ourselves very much together. Both of us lavishing in the others attention. I was pregnant though and stress weighing heavy. I eventually would go into preterm labor just 3 weeks after us getting together. I had my daughter at 26 weeks gestation. She and I both were transferred to a more equip hospital and this seems to me to be the beginning of the end for anything that was or could have been healthy between the two of us. My daughter was transferred out of the state. With no vehicle this would put an incredible strain on myself. My husband he now thought this was not his child. I had put her up for adoption. Only to back out last min. Emotionally I was a complete basket case. After having my daughter I hit postpartum depression full force. I began to drink. Leaving Charles home to tend to children he had no part in creating. I was at the bar almost every night of the week. Even nights when I would say I would not be going there was nothing up there tonight I’d find my way there. I would have random men bringing me home or friends dropping off my car as I had disappeared. I had no way to cope with the feelings I was experiencing never did I feel there was a single soul who would understand. The verbal abuse started shortly after my drinking did. I think in my head I believed everything he said about me. Soon we had cps, and police all the time. I didn’t even know who I was frankly. I gave custody of all 4 of my kids to my ex husband. From there my depression grew! There were times of homelessness. We ended up at Chuck’s families residence. While there the abuse grew into rage. I remember on one occasion Chuck took telephone cord and wrapped my wrist tying me to the dresser because I was trying to leave. When I was trying to break free running between the two exits of our room he moved a wooden chair that obstructed him from reaching me and containing me. The chair was thrown onto the bed as I still trying to break free from the cord. I finally manage some leeway with the cord to have him throw me backwards. My neck connected with the chair that was thrown on the bed. I instantly dropped tears flowing letting out a scream. The I am sorry’s always flooded once that line had been crossed and I was in real pain. I remember the door’s being boarded up. This happened for 2 reason’s one of which was to keep me in. The second to keep out another man who resided in the home. As he loved to have his way with me as well. There were many times that I would say no to sex. I would cry plea not to have to. I eventually completely gave up fighting it. I would lay on the bed arms crossing my chest and state… I don’t want this I don’t like it but if you will not have it any other way then please quickly do what you need to. I would cry and cover my face. I would say that this was only because of the obligations. I’m not sure what I felt exactly obligated me to do so. The other man in the home Chuck would allow him to join at times. They would say we were going fishing but really it meant they were taking me to the woods or a river so that the rest of the house wouldn’t know of the horrible things they executed on my body. I tried several times to leave. I never could successfully though. I learned much of his horrendous past. The struggle he had feeling loved as a child. The abuse and addiction ridden childhood. I used that to excuse his behavior. I did try a few times to reach out and tell someone what was going on but it never seemed to be heard. I can remember making attempts to jump from his moving vehicle and ending it. Eventually I ended up pregnant. Only for us to run to illinois and the abuse grow, weeks later a door knob to the stomach and a horrendous fight in a bathroom left me miscarrying on the bathroom floor alone. I ran after that time I planned an extravagant exit strategy and took a bus to a train and moved back to michigan. I was homeless for some time bouncing between relationships. One day the feeling of hunger took over me. I could think of nothing but how I could obtain some substance for my stomach. I called chuck.  I had opened the door to pandora’s box all over again. He bought me pizza hut with the agreement I gave him sex. Behind the dumpster in the pizza hut parking lot with the rain pouring I fulfilled his request so he would fill my stomach. I got pregnant again that day. Can you imagine if my child ever ask her conception story how I can possibly share. When I found out I was pregnant he flooded with empty promises that I took straight to the heart and believed. He went to river wood and got anger management. I got sober and I got my head on straight. I fought and won my kids back and I gained a home for us all. The abuse may have dwindled down a bit for some time. Only to come back full force again. The belittling was a daily routine. I remember the first time I had hit him back. The first time I took myself to his level and let him get the best of me.  I still have a list of excuses for both his behavior and mine. He now feels an abundance of pain when he reads my blogs of the true love I have now. Of my thoughts to what he and I were. I still have this obligation hanging over me. I still help him in more ways than I can count and I feel like a complete fool for doing so. I keep thinking back to the times when I was too drunk to wake up and he took care of my duties. The times when I was alone and hurting and he sat with me. The time that we had this big fight resulting in me throwing him out but then the cat litter got thrown through out the house and I called him to come back… Cat litter clean up worth abuse I wonder how my head even could process that to be so. How on earth I feel the right to judge my own parents when I gave my children such a mess to live through. My children have watched me get punched, kicked, have heard of my rape, have seen first hand the abuse I endured. I did not protect them. I did not think that any of us were worth a better life. Now the abuse Chuck endured as a child I am more then positive effects the who he is now. I am sure that he thinks that he loves me. I feel guilty that I have now bought my freedom from him. I feel like I still need to be punished. Like the life I am leading now I am not worthy of. I wish I could erase it all from my kids memories and my own. I wish I had bought freedom 13 and a half years ago. I can’t go back. I have scars deep. I couldn’t stand before my bf and feel good about being naked for quite some time. When he tries to talk to me and share his feelings I can’t be anything but defense to him. I try so hard to not but it’s not something I am able to help.

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