What defines me?

Cancer , A Dozen Kids , Life, Struggle

Last night I went searching for the perfect picture to place on my blog. I wanted it to be from my younger years as that is what the blog was pertaining to at the time. As I went on my quest pulling out the photo albums I had just been given no more than a couple years prior it was almost instantly painful. Most of the pictures I have aren't with my parents. Most of my memories aren't either. There were pictures of me with my Aunt and Uncle who I believe I lived with for some time as a child. I remember being there often but the memory is vague to if I lived there or was just always there. As a single mom I know my mother was often at work and had not had time for me. I remember that I spent far less time with my aunt and uncle after they had finally been able to conceive on their own.  Conception was a struggle for them and I think I was there to fill the void until they finally succeeded. The pictures fade as do the memories after my cousin was born. I even remember holding antomocity to her because she was taking my place. I remember visits being far different for me after. I can't imagine the jealousy struggles I must have felt being so young. I have heard stories of how they wish they had kept me. How my life would have been different if they had. When I was handed the photo albums it was clear I was a bigger part of their life then I myself remember being. I remember living with my paternal grandma often. She had her own struggles with trying to put me into school. She was unable to do so since she had no legal rights to me. I had made the mistake of telling the office I had moved with her. It got me kicked out of school as I no longer resided in the district. It ultimately made me unable to stay with her. I had been there the entire summer before hand. I remember the tears that flowed when my grandma had to tell me she herself had to send me back too. Without being able to enroll me into a school she feared legal ramifications. I lived with another aunt as a teenager for a summer. The summer after I had been with my biological father. Man was a an unruly teen then. I burnt that bridge speaking of the christianity she held near to her heart in a manner unbecoming of my character. I am not sure what made me so unhappy their that I burnt the bridge. Maybe I just couldn't find my place. I remember I went to camp that summer thinking that I would return to be handed to the juvenile detention center as I was unwanted by basically everyone by then. I can't count how many times I found myself in the bed of a man simply because I felt there was nowhere else to go. I lived on a front porch at 16 years old with a boy named aaron pailing. He wasn't even the boy I was dating just my friends lover at the time. We crammed the three of us onto a twin sized mattress on an unheated porch in the middle of the winter. Never at any time did I feel I had an option to go home to my parent's. I never thought I was wanted by anyone anywhere. I was unlovable. After marrying my first husband we came to live in a duplex in stevensville. The other half of my home resided a women who had claimed to have lived with me as a toddler. She said her and my mother had been close friends back in those days. She often shared horrific stories of the big tears I would have in my baby blues. I tried hard to avoid those stories as I had no memory of her or her daughter or the days she tried to recollect with me. As a mother of 8 children I can't imagine letting my children feel as though coming home isn't an option. I can't imagine letting them feel like they were not wanted. My children can't burn a bridge with me and there is not a single thing that would make them as kids unable to come home. As their behavior is simply a reflection of my parenting is it not? My childhood pictures of me with my parents are scarce. I wish that I had more memories to understand why I was left to feel so passed around and unwanted. I wish I could figure out the flaws that made time with me so undesirable. At some point everyone passed me on.......

13 thoughts on “Passing Around A Child

  1. Wow…..I really feel for you….but on the other hand had you not have gone through all of this would you be as amazing as you are today? It’s a tough one isn’t it!! Xx

  2. Deeksha says:

    Your story is completely heart breaking…God bless you dear..

    1. Thank you. May God bless you as well

  3. I remember the younger days with you too and I remember something just totally being off when I came to your house. Your mom was absent alot and I remember having to stay in your bedroom…the house was always dark and your mom was either gone or in her bedroom all day. I remember when you got in trouble for opening your Christmas gifts early and I didn’t get to see you for a very long time. Then you just up and moved shortly after that and it wasn’t until I was about 16 that I seen you again with your first husband Keith and that my friend…is another long story lol. I love you though and you’ll always have a friend in me.

    1. I barely remember coming to your house as a kid. I remember coming to stay the night after I was married and wishing I had the child life you still had. I remember a bday party at that coloma house one of the only ones I remember at all. I had both my parents and everything. I remember very little of even living with my mom. I remember getting a spanking of a lifetime there for molded pizza being hidden in my closet. For many years I stole and hide food because I was just so hungry. Those were the days I’d be left to sit at a dinner table the entire day for not eating something I was suppose to and not being allowed anything else. I cook 4,5,6 meals for my kids in a night now because I fear passing on the food insecurities that were installed in me. I can’t count how many times as a child I called cps on myself. OR I checked myself into a crisis center.
      I love you and I’m thankful to still have you in my life!

  4. alex says:

    Touching Story

  5. beetleypete says:

    That’s a hard story indeed, Danielle.
    Thanks very much for following my blog, which is appreciated.
    Best wishes, Pete.

  6. marieblake86 says:

    Your story is inspiring, you are so strong!! Keep strong mama!! X

  7. Wired wORDS says:

    This is so sad! Many well wishes to you 🙂

  8. What a heartbreaking story. There was NOTHING, of course, wrong with you. Many single mothers are placed in the position of having to work while their children are in day care or some other setting. <3 <3 <3

  9. “As their behavior is simply a reflection of my parenting is it not?”

    Be careful of this idea. We wind up disappointing or even hating ourselves as parents if things turn out badly. Often how our adult children act has little do do with what we did or did not do as parents. They are their own people. Our self imposed guilt may not be appropriate just as long as we taught kindness and decency and modeled that behavior as well. That alone is pretty good parenting.

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