What defines me?

Cancer , A Dozen Kids , Life, Struggle

I have generally lead a submissive life. I haven’t shared much of that with Marc. I find it spilling over and him giggling at me for things he has no idea the underlyings of.  Things like dinner being done and on the table when he gets off of work. Since I was 16 years old it was a requirement. To have dinner on the table by 5 is what it was mostly (6 is Marc’s time to arrive from work). Keith didn’t give much room for error. It wasn’t always beatings and his mom visiting with pain meds after. Sometimes the punishment was simply being made to sleep on the carpeted floor of a room alone in a dark isolation. Where we lived I was very isolated from the world. This tiny trailer in the middle of no where. I think the closet corner store was at least 12 miles. Even though his attention mostly negative I still craved it upon his arrival because it was far better than none at all. I carried that on relationship after relationship some more strict with the rules. I always worked so hard at dinner on the table when they walked through the door. I wanted to leave that life behind. I bought freedom right? So why is it that I spend 10 mins texting that dinner will be late ( it’s never late more then 10 mins after him walking through the door) before he arrives. Then a few more when he gets here. My stomach already upset all the time now it’s turning at my failure to have his meal ready. The stress from the day…. the disappointment….I now have this gut wrenching feeling he will be angry at me….   Here is the thing the man NEVER gets angry with me and I KNOW this. He walks in and giggles when I say it’s got 3 mins till finished and apologize. He constantly reminds me it is just fine to be late since he is not ever use to eating at such a early time in the first place. Yet I sometimes want to cry I feel so badly for not having it ready. He laughs that he is the first person I feed. That we get his plate and utensils and everyone falls in line behind him to make plates. He doesn’t think this is necessary either. I wonder if my past will continue to taunt me ….. I have no reason to worry of the time dinner but it’s been 6 months of the constant it’s okay reminders and I feel no better when it’s not completed. I love to cook but if I can not time it for that food to be ready upon him walking in my chest feels heavy and I feel sad. INSTANTLY! UGH

5 thoughts on “Dinner by 6

  1. marvel33fl says:

    Dinner was awesome

  2. Jad says:

    This was the first of your blog entries that I have read and this spoke to me.
    I was in that place a very long time ago so totally understand your feelings….I am far from the person and my past history no longer defines me or holds any power.
    You may not realize it now but it is YOU who holds the power and totally up to you to take control. One day..probably when you least expect it..You will take the harness, reign it in and take control so that you no longer are driven by your past!

    1. I hope that day comes very soon

  3. ali raza says:

    That’s amazingly described and i love the way you had dinner 🙂

Leave a Reply

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.