What defines me?

Cancer , A Dozen Kids , Life, Struggle



I have never seen family as a very positive experience. I don’t mean to make it sound harsh towards those I share blood with it is just I never could feel loved in the way I needed from them. I never have felt like a priority above all else and honestly I don’t think that the kids ever have either. ( outside of me and them having each other) That is just absolutely no longer the case. I feel like my time and presence is priceless. The kids feel valued. Not valued because they are my kids and some guy is trying to date their mom but valued as their own individual self’s. I feel supported and not judged at all. I can freely speak of anything and know I will absolutely still be loved after. The time the kids get is given with enthusiasm. I look forward to the bond growing. My heart rejoices knowing that they can feel apart of a family far bigger then my love alone was able to provide. I watch them interact and think this is how it was always suppose to be. I had held onto something so toxic for so long thinking it was “family”. The emotional, and physical abuse thick but I thought….. this …. this man is their dad. I hated growing up without a father and the one that I was given came far later in life. I wanted to fix anything even if it was broken beyond repair so I wasn’t the one taking the father away from them. I had never known what a real family would or should feel like. I was so focused on not letting the one there leave I hadn’t had time to look around. Now that it’s here in front of me. Ours to have and revel in I am soaking it up as a spoiled princess would. I spend time stepping back and just taking in the love showered upon my children. As he walks from a room to tell me he is going to hang out with one of the kids. Not bothered by me enjoying the alone time created when he does so. I don’t feel so confined. I feel trusted completely and supported. Emotionally I am far more stable in his presence. I try now to explain to my kids dad’s how much different I see things. How I see their love and how the kids do. It’s fallen on deaf ears of course. Malachi telling how his dad doesn’t want time with him he sits depressed unable to enjoy time with him. They are in the same room and the silence can’t be broken. To speak with cell phones in hands and looking up to nod without engaging. I can’t get across to them what they are missing. I can’t get through the selfish tendencies to explain what a wonderful love we are experiencing. I can’t get them to stop wanting to hate those loving us to see if they just took the time to do the same they would have the same love back. I can’t count how many times I went and tried to do whatever I was able to just get my parent’s attention and time. I see my kids doing the same and I sit and shake my head. As their father’s just can’t see it. My parent’s are missing so much and can’t see that either the actions they choose don’t feel like love to us or the lack of time given just makes us distance more. I wish I had a far better bound with my family but I look forward into the family being built before my very eyes. It’s a fire burning within the love I receive

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these days. It’s not like anything I have ever felt before.

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