What defines me?

Cancer , A Dozen Kids , Life, Struggle

I have really struggled this week. I have struggled to blog, to communicate, to feel good about much of anything. I have been striving towards finding a friendship. I reached out to a few women I had known or been acquaintances with in hopes for some female interaction. I have done nothing but fail at the task. It’s driven my insecurities through the roof. The outcomes of my efforts leaving me feeling more blue then ever. I tried to build relationships and ended up seeing people are only out for self gain. I want so badly to laugh and share my joys with a friend. I would give anything for someone to trust and someone I felt wouldn’t pass judgement. I am not sure however that exist in today’s society. I thought time was the most valuable thing we were given but it’s clearly love. All the time in the world feels empty alone. My best friend, my only friend, is my significant other. Outside of him I have no trust at all for anyone. It’s sad, sometimes I struggle confiding in him because I feel like it’s always a burden for him to carry. Laying in his arms I want so badly to explain how lonely I am. I desperately look forward to the weekends in his arms where I don’t feel so alone.  I feel foolish being an adult who is sad over the lack of friendships or bonds I have built. Over time I pushed those I had completely away. I attempted to let some of them back in to realize that they were toxic in the first place. After reaching out for new friends, I found myself surrounded in people that needed everything from me. They needed groceries from my fridge, my vehicle to tend to their needs, they needed my skills at babysitting, they needed a loan. What they didn’t need was to hear me talk. So I gave away everything left and right. Paying bills for others, providing clothing for their kids, sugar for their kool aide….. but wait the only thing I gained was more stress and burden and I never confided a thing. So all week I attempted to be what they needed. By Friday I was in total shambles. I had begun to delete the friends I was attempting to make. I stopped blogging most of the week because I had nothing I was willing to freely share. I worried that the “fake” friends I was making would read the feelings I was having towards them and then I’d have no one again. I am really willing to keep people in my life that I have no trust in and only take simply because it seems far better than to have no one. I keep saying I have no one when in reality the one in my corner is my biggest fan. He spent the week telling me I was friend material and that it was everyone I was choosing who wasn’t worthy of me. I wonder if I am the needy one with all the conditions I am trying to impose on a friend. I mean I am asking a lot I guess. I want someone that can be trusted and that is a lot to ask. Loyalty isn’t handed out easily after all. Last night in the midst of just being sad my kids dad called me. He has been out of prison a few months now and yesterday got his first apt and himself out of the half way house. Before prison I can say John was one of my best friends. We had the most unlikely of co parenting relationships. I did call him and I did confide. There were certain things that I knew if shared the world would know. My baby daddy has the gift for gab that is for sure. He listened though. When he called he could tell something was wrong instantly. He prodded trying to figure out what it was until I broke down into tears crying I don’t trust you. I don’t trust anyone. He begun to stumble over his words what, you should trust me I’m your best friend. Explaining that he broke everything in the court room when I heard him tell his side to his crimes. The lies told to me through those events tainted our relationship forever. He explained why he had to lie back then but it didn’t change anything in my head or heart. I did cry and whine about my lack of friendships. I did tell him how lonely it felt. I was on the phone about 45 mins before hanging up. As I hung up I felt no resolve at all. It felt as though I had spilled my guts to just feel empty. I wanted badly to walk into the living room and ask Marc to hold me. I never did. He at some point had closed the door while I was on the phone. I felt so isolated to my thoughts. I showered in tears. Depression is ugly and I feel like it’s after my last smile.

2 thoughts on “Friendship

  1. randyran80 says:

    Hello I appreciate your courage to put the challenges you are facing here. Below is an article that I read that helped me.


    Take comfort that the creator of all things cares for you personally.

  2. I know how you feel with having only your significant other. It is truly sad how women make other women feel. I moved to a small hometown area to be with my husband and learned that finding friendships past a certain age is nearly impossible. The people in our town have known each other their whole lives so me being an outsider is not welcome. I find I spend most of my time with my children and husband.

    I don’t know if this will help or not, but keep sharing your journey, struggles and joys. Whether or not it helps in finding a last friendship, it helps just being about to write and get out how you feel.

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