What defines me?

Cancer , A Dozen Kids , Life, Struggle


I am notorious for pushing people away. It’s clear it’s exactly what I am doing now. I have begun to hide out within the walls of my home that I hate so much. I spend hours and hours in my bed feeling tired but unable to sleep. Staring at the ceiling thinking and feeling empty. I had every intention of vomiting what was in my head and on my heart to the man I love and asking him to love it all away. I sat across from him and took the breath to tell him and then I stopped. Instead I asked if he himself was okay. His response was I am just not very happy. Everything inside sunk I felt like I was falling in a black hole. My chest grew heavy my mouth dry. My mind could process nothing else but that I was failing to make him happy. The rest of my time at his house that night I stayed quiet. I felt unwanted and unwelcome but never said that out loud to him. I asked at some point if he was mad at me and he said no. I asked if he wanted alone time this weekend he said he would never want that. I’ve avoided him since. I do send a text or two but it feel odd. He messaged his disappoints in me. Maybe I am just not capable of this. I can’t find a balance between him and my kids. I either feel like a bad mom or a bad girlfriend. I am sad and negative far more than I’d like to be and I’ll bring the rest down with it. I am putting distance in now from the only one I have. That is the reality of things. I told him I wouldn’t see him today. We normally spend the weekend together but my mom is coming and he doesn’t wish to ever meet her so I won’t see him tomorrow either. The man deserves the best. I’m so far from that. He is angry I won’t take my meds. Maybe even angry I don’t have the fight he has for me. My biggest obstacle is me. I have not got the fight I need to have. I want so desperately to spend forever with him. I feel like I am going to ruin this….. I am so emotional… it’s not even slightly cute.

6 thoughts on “

  1. kkrokaa says:

    Did you show him this post? I also find it much easier to express myself in writing than face to face. Maybe he needs to know that you are also in pain? If you love each other, pain can be overcome together (cheesy as it sounds). Wishing you all the best.

    1. I have offered him to read my post he declined. He said it didn’t feel right reading them 🙁

      1. kkrokaa says:

        Maybe you could send it to him as a letter instead then? Or adjust it a bit to make it more personal, so he doesn’t feel like it really has anything to do with your blog.

      2. Good suggestion. I leave letters all over his house when I’m there and will leave before he arrives. I think I’ll try that.

      3. kkrokaa says:

        I would just write whatever comes to mind, without too much editing. Then it becomes genuine. Hope it all works out <3

  2. god I’m so there with you on this. I do the same fucking shit and it doesn’t help and yet… here we are, doing it again, sabotage!

Leave a Reply

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.