I am notorious for pushing people away. It’s clear it’s exactly what I am doing now. I have begun to hide out within the walls of my home that I hate so much. I spend hours and hours in my bed feeling tired but unable to sleep. Staring at the ceiling thinking and feeling empty. I had every intention of vomiting what was in my head and on my heart to the man I love and asking him to love it all away. I sat across from him and took the breath to tell him and then I stopped. Instead I asked if he himself was okay. His response was I am just not very happy. Everything inside sunk I felt like I was falling in a black hole. My chest grew heavy my mouth dry. My mind could process nothing else but that I was failing to make him happy. The rest of my time at his house that night I stayed quiet. I felt unwanted and unwelcome but never said that out loud to him. I asked at some point if he was mad at me and he said no. I asked if he wanted alone time this weekend he said he would never want that. I’ve avoided him since. I do send a text or two but it feel odd. He messaged his disappoints in me. Maybe I am just not capable of this. I can’t find a balance between him and my kids. I either feel like a bad mom or a bad girlfriend. I am sad and negative far more than I’d like to be and I’ll bring the rest down with it. I am putting distance in now from the only one I have. That is the reality of things. I told him I wouldn’t see him today. We normally spend the weekend together but my mom is coming and he doesn’t wish to ever meet her so I won’t see him tomorrow either. The man deserves the best. I’m so far from that. He is angry I won’t take my meds. Maybe even angry I don’t have the fight he has for me. My biggest obstacle is me. I have not got the fight I need to have. I want so desperately to spend forever with him. I feel like I am going to ruin this….. I am so emotional… it’s not even slightly cute.