What defines me?

Cancer , A Dozen Kids , Life, Struggle

Yesterday morning I woke up feeling a bit sick and begun my normal routine. I first rolled to his side of the bed I wrapped him in my arms and took 3 deep inhale exhales. I kissed his shoulder as this particular morning he was turned on his side away from me. I then grabbed my purse and meds and headed into the bathroom as quietly as a mouse. I took my meds I got sick a bit and I showered. Coming back to bed to blog at his side. By the time I had finished blogging everything at my house was in a uproar. Kids with sore throats, kids with complaints, kids hungry, it was clear I needed to go. I went to get dressed preparing to sneak out and leave him a note and I woke him. He gave me some amazing sex that I can’t wait to share but not this blog…. My son who had stayed with me was instantly upset at the idea of leaving Marc’s. He had planned to help work on a plane with him and was severely disappointed at my choice to head home. I felt as though there wasn’t another choice. Mom duties called and those are always priority. When we were leaving Marc seemed disappointed to see us go. I felt guilty for leaving. Even though I knew I needed to I couldn’t hold back the guilt that instantly overwhelmed me. Malachi cried as we pulled out of the drive then filled with anger. Upon arrival at the house it looked like a cyclone had hit it. Babysitter looked as though the war was lost! I loaded up kids for the emergency room. Putting a mask on myself and hoping to not get myself ill being there. Strep positive times 3 oh joy. Took the three kids to the house while I went to drop off prescriptions and pick up ice cream and popsicles. Upon walking through the door there are kids everywhere with things they need to say. Telling me how my grandparents and mom wouldn’t allow allen to keep his birthday money and repeatedly told him to hide it from me. In fact then deciding not to give as I could take it?????? Like WHAT!!!! hello I worked my ass off to give him this trip it’s my responsibility to give him the money needed to go what the fuck would I gain from taking from my child. Allen in tears telling me all the details of the on goings while he visited with “family” How they got im clothes that he wouldn’t be allowed to keep because our home wasn’t good enough for them. They were only to be taken to Florida. They made plans to come bring it all back while we would be out of town. On a weekend I had already let my family know I had plans for my kids. Basically leaving me now to choose the time we had planned or waiting for the money and clothing to be delivered. There is no way we can wait till then to pack for allen when we have such a busy easter weekend. I sat down on the couch thinking holy cow these are the only family members I thought I had left…… Floodgates of memories then open…… terrible memories….. and I realize that I just don’t have that not from anyone. There isn’t one person I’d say is my family and loves me unconditionally. Im sure there are those who would argue and say they do but it’s probably the same ones making my children cry thinking they are being told not to trust their mother. I emotionally was in a spiral from their those memories I am still holding….. I ran my errands talking very little to Marc. I had originally planned to go back there as quickly as I could but once I had been taken to that low…. I just didn’t want to spread my sadness. I tried hard to shake the memory and the sadness. I ran around like a chicken with my head cut off buying what the kids needed getting their meds. I finally finish at 5 the time Marc would be leaving his house. I thought maybe i should race there for a kiss. I knew his kiss would make me fall apart in his arms. Work out it is!!!! I took 2 kids and went straight to the gym. I was determined to let go of everything in my mind. I had already texted my family while festering in the hurt feelings. I avoided my phone knowing the reply’s would not have anything positive to add to my state. Marc writes ” I hope you ate and drank water today since your at the gym” My gut hurts knowing he’s worried your there and probably disappointed. Way to go Danielle you let down the only one that loves you now…. The weight on my chest made my breathing heavy. I focused on the heart rate monitor on the bike I was riding. Trying to clear my mind and just focus on the number. I pushed the work out extremely hard. Holy cow my ass cheeks are on fire right now. I lifted more then I have ever. I put weights more than I had ever on each machine I climbed on. In the locker room shower I cried I cried and I cried. After leaving I decided that tomorrow I would just get dropped off at Marc’s. This leaving me unable to go anywhere else and able to say no to helping as I’d be stranded. I wouldn’t have to be anything for anyone. I would just be able to do as I was able. I text Marc my plan for staying at his place knowing he won’t be thrilled at me giving away my truck again. It’s not running the greatest and it’s my only vehicle he just worries about what is best for me. I include that they are giving me 100 which is the cost of one of the parts I need to repair. I think I include mostly to soften him up while telling him I am letting someone not so responsible take the truck the entire day. I mean well I truly do. I explain I’ll take the kids home and come back myself after he is off work. HE responds with a text that I take as him not wanting me to come and he intends as an out for me in case I need to be home with my kids. I instantly react thinking he is upset about my truck. I am already a total mess from my day… then I puke out all of my bad day at once. He responds with he hates when I am like this and wishes he knew what to say…. Oh great now he thinks I am crazy…. I shut my phone off and shut my eyes….. Now I’m sitting here in his bed wondering if I am a bit crazy. Shouldn’t there just be a damn delete button to the memories already. Can’t I just be normal….. I wonder if I’d be better if I distance more from family. It really has had such positive results in the past. I don’t know if they don’t know how to love me or I don’t know how to let them but either way noting positive or productive comes from the interactions. My meds have side effects of mood swings taking them I pretty much need to secure having a positive day. Marc says things go so good then I go home sunday and boom… It’s because his environment secures that positive day.  I skip meds often so I have more emotional control. Maybe I should stop them completely. I fear losing him.

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