What defines me?

Cancer , A Dozen Kids , Life, Struggle

I have seen so much addiction in my lifetime. My need to save those suffering is great. I’ve seen first hand up close what addiction does to families. What it did to mine. My second husband laid on the floor of a basement me giving the okay to have a needle into his heart to bring him back as he overdosed on heroin. Heroin I drove them to get. It doesn’t get any closer than that right?  Never once have I been tempted myself but was present often and did very little to stop it. I thought to myself they will get their fix anyway. Myself driving meant that they would live to make it back home to get high. I thought if I was present I could save them for doing to much. I could be there to watch protect. I didn’t feel I had the strength in me to put an end to the usage. For years I was surround with those full of addiction problems. Spending my time trying to save those who didn’t want to be saved. Needles, pipes, pills, alcohol it was in abundance. I was the one they all called when they needed help. The reality of things is I am the enabler. I gave them the safe ride to get their fix. I gave them peace in knowing I’d be there sober. I gave them myself as a punching bag. I have a need to feel needed. Who needs you more than a addict? How I expected any healthy relationships from those I formed I am not sure. I can’t tell you if before Marc I ever had anything healthy or real not just in a relationship stand point but friendship… Even now Marc at my side I still surround myself with the same people those who are suffering from addiction those who need me. I want to break from the cycle. Its not that I don’t love those I have had in my life it’s just I can’t grow. I just feel stuck here in this cycle with them…. I’ve never been a user… never felt the power addiction can have over you and I’m thankful for that but surrounding myself with those who are and have been has left me feeling just as broken. I could never fix them that empty feeling when you don’t succeed…… I feel guilty I couldn’t help. I am full of sorrow for those I enabled. I hate that thought that I need to let go of those I love that I did NOT help. I fear if I don’t I can’t grow…. I need to form healthy friendships. I don’t know how.

One thought on “Addiction ramblings…….

  1. getsoberbitch says:

    Absolutely love your honesty and willingness to post something so personal for you. I myself am a recovering alcoholic and can relate to everything you have shared because I too have loved ones who suffer from addiction. I wish that I could fix everyone affected by addiction and alcoholism, but I know that I just can not. What I can do is share my story and believe that somewhere there is a woman who will hear what I have to say and it will make all the difference for her and her loved ones. That is exactly why I started my recovery blog, http://getsoberbitch.com a few months ago. It keeps me honest with myself and it is so helpful to my sobriety and living a wonderful life. I am eternally grateful to my husband for allowing me to hit my bottom and am eternally grateful to him for saving my life. I know Alanon has helped me to understand others who are not alcoholics or addicts and understand their perspective. AA has helped me to understand myself and to live a better, grateful, positive life each and every day.

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