What defines me?

Cancer , A Dozen Kids , Life, Struggle

At the young age of 21 I had my fourth child. She was born the most premature out of all of my babies. I was just finalizing my divorce. I was losing my job, my home, everything. You see my ex husband and his family they were team hate Danielle. Sabotage was the name of the game. They refused to help with the kids. There was no child support. It was simply 21 year old me with a child out of state fighting for her life and a Subway job to support them. The day my daughter was released from the hospital I had to work and was told if I took off to pick her up I’d be fired. I was fired. I brought my little girl home with no income of any kind. Overwhelmed and desperate. In no time at all cps was involved I was homeless and clueless. I could have benefited from guidance and teaching but I got none of the sorts. My ex husband got the kids and I was on my own lost hopeless and homeless. I once again couch surfed a bit. I’d say for at least 3 months that worked okay for me. I mean I was homeless still but there was always a place to lay my head. One day that was just gone. The place I was staying most nights had lost power. The other place I had upset the mother aiding in underage drinking. Burning the bridge there. It was winter I didn’t know at the time but I already was pregnant again. I remember walking the town that day the streets of Bridgman wondering how I could be so unloved. I wondered if my kids would hate me for all the ways I failed them. I walked for what seemed like eternity before it was dark and I begun fearing being picked up by the police. I decided I’d go back to the home that had now had no power. Everyone had cleared from the home to stay elsewhere when the power got cut. It was nothing more than a empty house. I got to the garage door of the home. Everything was locked. I stood thinking is this what your going to do…. Are you low enough to break in…… I was. I didn’t break into the home itself though just the garage. Once inside I there I could get to the basement stairs and I’d at least be out of the elements. It was so dark I was unable to see I couldn’t even make out the steps. Somehow my mind remembered at the end of the street I was on had a ball field. Two days prior I was there with friends smoking and we had dropped a lighter everyone was too lazy to climb under the bleachers to get. I ran as fast as my feet would take me. Determined I’d find it. Climbing under the rafters with only the light of the moon I felt the ground for my lighter. My life line really. I found it!!! Hooray racing once again back to the garage. I didn’t even check the lighter to make sure it worked from being in snow and such. I thought what if I get one flame it can’t be wasted to check and see. Flicking it in the garage I held my breath and prayed even closing my eyes tight in hopes to not be disappointed. The flame was a sight for sore eyes. I could make my way down the steps. The basement had flooded as it always had when it rained or snowed. We often partied down there so there were mattresses on the floor from us doing so. I pulled up my pant legs and carried my shoes. Wading my way through the water to the mattresses.  They were stacked high enough they made a island in the flooded waters.  There was one small foul smelling but dry blanket and 7 cats on the mattress. Four days that was home. No food, no water, no friends. On day 4 I walked to town I was tired I am sure I smelled rough. My friend whose house I was squatting in she drove by and seen me. Jessica stopped immediately and I cried on her shoulder of sleeping in her basement. She took me with her back to the hotel they were staying… I wasn’t allowed to stay. She didn’t leave me though she came back to the house with me. We broke into the home itself this time. We piled into one room one small bed gathering even more cats. I’d say there was at least 25. We at one point grew to be so cold we attempted a fire in the house. In a pot on the middle of the floor. Of course it wasn’t an intelligent idea it smoked us out leaving us having to open and window creating more cold. We did have a good laugh and tell stories of it often now filled with laughter. Sadly I never called any family for help back then. I am not sure anyone knew I was homeless that time. See before Marc I never felt unconditional love so I never trusted anyone…. I was so guarded and angry for not feeling loved I’d never had shared any fears…. I went out of my way in the most desperate of times to push ppl away. Homelessness-and-autism-2

One thought on “Homeless part 2

  1. Michelle says:

    I am so sorry you had to go through this! Life as we know it can just change in an instant. It is so scary. Thank you for sharing your story xx

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