What defines me?

Cancer , A Dozen Kids , Life, Struggle


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I woke up around 6 from the cramps in my stomach. They were something fierce. I had dinner last night and Marc’s parent’s bought my food. I sat to put the first bite to my mouth of the mouthwatering food and felt queasy instantly. I wanted to cry as hungry as I was putting the food in my mouth is physically painful. I was more embarrassed that I had made them spend money and not eaten it. I looked so ungrateful I was ashamed.  Marc has kinda dissolved that feeling for me when he buys now and I don’t have that as much. Nearly never in fact he just knows me and my needs and fulfills them. He in line told me it was okay if I ate nothing at all. He said if I wanted to order and try but couldn’t he would surely eat it for me the next day. I was good with that until I seen his dad buy and then felt instant obligation to eat my food. I put more then I should into my stomach yesterday. I knew it and kept trying before finally failing to even successfully complete a french fry… So this morning when I woke I began to get sick from the food I had consumed yesterday. I turned on the fan trying to hide the sound. I’m not sure why I felt he need. I vomited blood up and spent the entire morning in tears alone in his bathroom. Then I got emotional. I looked on my phone for something to do… maybe a distraction to collect myself before getting back into bed with him. I failed at that too as the thing I found was that I did have my ex husband’s number. So I texted…. I told him exactly what I felt without holding back. How he had lied to the court and the slander of my name was ridiculous as I only wanted help with my kids. I hadn’t ever really kept his kids from him listing all the ways I had went above and beyond not to in fact. I listed him and his wife and kids moving to my home. Taking my children to tents to stay with him as he had no housing. I reminded him that even after he failed to protect my daughters from being molested and raped I still put my feelings towards that aside and drove my kids to his family reunion to see him. Without gas money or even a thank you. So with nothing to gain for myself I still made sure my kids had him and his family in their lives. In fact until he took me to court I had his mother sister and family on my face book in daily contact about his children.  I reminded him of all the things that may have slipped his mind before I even have opened the court documents waiting on my grandparents for me. I showed him the house phone had been the same number for a solid 3 years and he had it for sure. Never had it changed at all. I basically debunked everything he stated in court. BEcause it was in fact all LIES! I wrote out of anger in a place of emotion and regretted it right after pressing send… Now I can’t take it back. My stomach is killing me to a level that I seriously would consider going to the hospital right now if I thought i wouldn’t be alone there. Pain in my leg isn’t horrendous but the combination together is taking a toll for sure. Does pain make you more emotional?  It sure seems to me. I really wish I could be better already…….




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