What defines me?

Cancer , A Dozen Kids , Life, Struggle

Yesterday my oldest daughter’s virtual academy hosted a field trip to the Kalamazoo Air Zoo. I had been talking of wanting to go for some time so I was extra pleased to see it on the list of trips. Right away I made arrangements to take my kids. I messaged Marc to trade vehicles for the day because I feel much safer diving the distance in his. He agreed of course and eagerly assisted me getting the forester for the trip. He went the extra mile to equip me with the garmin gps too. The ride there went extremely smooth anxiety was low even though I hate driving his car eases it a bit.  I didn’t get lost or make any wrong turns the kids stayed fairly calm and quiet. Pulling in there are 3 large planes outside making it very easy to find. There are signs and arrows directing as well as colored planes on the side walks to direct you into the buildings main entrance and to the second building they have.  As we entered we were greeted immediately by a young gentlemen at the check in table. I knew before arrival of my purchase choice and quickly got through the process and into the cloud hall that leads to the museum. As we entered it was breathtaking. I mean these planes were massive in comparison to the one I had my first ride in.  There were helicopters and planes from the war. Another older gentlemen greeted us now and he asked what we would like to see the most as he would direct us. Arriving at 9:00 am on the dot did make us the first customers of the day. This gentlemen took our map and explained the lay out. Hailey wanted to see the simulators the most and he said this was perfect time as was no line. We made those our first stop. I hopped in a simulator with Malachi. Upon climbing in we were seat belted across our laps and a third in the middle of us. As well as metal bars on our chest that came down from above. A very quick not easy to understand tutorial followed. There is where I’d implement some changes as I had no clue what was stated in that. I think even a sign with directions at the beginning of line would help as we could read them before entering as I am sure repeating them is difficult and time consuming. It took us at least a min of the three min ride to figure out how to get off the ground and we never had much control of our plane at all.  Around in barrel roll after barrel roll we went the laughter consuming us as we surely knew we could not be pilots. It was so much fun though. It ended to quickly and we never returned for a second ride like I’d had liked to. As we explored I realized that my kids weren’t paying attention to the things I had hoped they would. I seen how much the world had a grasp on them and I was losing a battle of keeping them kids….. My daughter cared far more about the boy then the war that was fought in the plane before her. It hurt my heart a bit that the rides were the focus of the day for the kids. I took pictures and wandered on my own. I longed for my boyfriend whose eyes would be lite up being there and he would be filling me with information about the stories behind the planes. My daughter had no interest in learning on her field trip and I was truly heart broken. Her brother had several moments on the trip where he felt sad and secluded because she had only one focus the boy….. I can’t lay blame on anyone but myself I have allowed her to grow such a dependency for him. How do I change things now? I want to stay home with the kids again. They need more time then I have to give working out of the home. I have the income to pull it off if I stay on my game. So how do I get my life back… The one before cancer. That is when I kinda lost things maybe I let them go and gave up then. So now how do I find that path again. I just want to be the best mother. I don’t think I am deceiving that…. I have been trying harder to not raise my voice. But I need a way to be in charge without that as yelling was always my way of achieving that. I just don’t like how yelling makes the other person feel lower. I hated being yelled at still do so I don’t want to yell at them. I just need to find my grove I guess. The field trip left me feeling like my teens were going to go sliding down a wrong path… They only raced through things and spent more time goofing off then paying attention but that is out of character for them. I see the path I laid being strayed from. I see them growing up in ways that need slowed down. I need to give them more productive things to do with their time but they aren’t accomplishing the ones already there. UGh Parenting is so hard guys!

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