What defines me?

Cancer , A Dozen Kids , Life, Struggle

It’s been several days sitting here at this low. It’s consuming me now. I need to talk I need to pour my heart out in hopes that I’m still lovable after. I have struggled this week at everything life has felt nothing short of overwhelming. The flood, the move, all of the changes has been drastic. My entire life I have not had to or been allowed to make any sort of decisions. I have played a very submissive role and followed not lead. Simply choices even like picking where to eat were never mine to make. It was rare to go out and if we did it wasn’t by my choice. So now when he ask where I would like to go or even if I’d like to eat in or out it’s difficult for me. I find my heart racing over such a silly task. I fear weather I’ll answer correctly. Can you imagine feeling fearful over picking the wrong dinner option? I really have no reason to feel such a way in my current relationship but there is no way I can shake it. So it feels even worse. I feel silly for being fearful I want to just choice my head screams in a million different directions and I beg for him to save me and just make my choice for me. The talks of my health and my decisions to make regards to how long I’ll be around have been nothing short of overwhelming either. He wants me to chose how to fight and just do it. I can do nothing but list all of the obstacles it puts in front of my family. I can’t find positives only negatives and it’s not that they are not there. It’s just to justify taking care of me is hard. I have to look at what it will do to my family my kids…. Those negatives are all my mind can think of. Isn’t that a good mom….. Am I a bad mom? For fucks sake I am such an emotional wreck. I want to fight I just want to know I won’t cause any damage to my family. I don’t want to get started in chemo not be able to parent and let my kids suffer…. I’d prefer to just give them my all till I no longer can. Listing the negatives is frustrating to outsiders I have a hard time even realizing I am doing it. Have I become a negative Nancy? I hate those people that can never see the brighter side of things. Maybe that is the issue I just hate myself…. I cried many times to myself yesterday already several to myself this morning. I sat once thinking what are these tears for what is even making you sad right now in this moment…. I just cried harder because I can’t even give myself the answers let alone anyone else. I want to shut down and crawl in a hole and hide. Gosh I hate being sad. My home feels unsafe and unlike a home really it feels like four walls and nothing more. I have spent the week trying to clean and organize things. Donate things that aren’t needed. Thought if I did away with the clutter maybe I could feel better. I flinch when I can hear cars drive by there. I fear the damn rain on the sunroof in the bathroom. I know first off it means my house is leaking water and I have to run around like a crazy person to put buckets everywhere there is water coming down at. Second off the rain now only makes me think of the flood and evacuation. Of all those were are still homeless. There is a man that comes in my house to fix it he works for the landlord and he makes me completely uncomfortable but somehow I am afraid to stand up and say a thing. He touches me and makes me uneasy. He crosses a line past flirtation into total creepy. So I often leave my home not wanting to be there when they are. I wish I could avoid the door and no one no I was home like I could at the white house but here the house is small and walls are thin and that isn’t as easy a task. Life is just caving in around me it feels. My happiness is fading like a shadow and I am chasing but I can’t catch it as the sun is to bright to see it. I know brighter days are ahead that things are going to be okay….. but today seems so dark and dreary. I am hoping an adventurous day with my son and man of my dreams will shake all the low feelings I have. I’d hate to let my low state make him feel like he doesn’t make me happy cause he is the greatest man ever to live. Lets see if I can shake the blues today and think less smile more. 61a9pzhaqsl-_sx381_bo1204203200_



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