What defines me?

Cancer , A Dozen Kids , Life, Struggle

It’s been a couple days since I have written. Despite his best efforts I just wasn’t able to make my fingers hit the keys to type. I had a conversation about cancer. That conversation was to real and too raw for me to handle and I shut down. I jumped right on the band wagon of shutting out the only one who is at my side. He’s right and I know he is but facing it is hard. I have ignored the disease and I am letting it kill me. I am lying to myself and anyone else if I have said I have ever fought because I haven’t. I have been nothing more than a coward. I fear everything about the word. I fear losing my children. I just have more fear then I have hope. I don’t want to die. It’s progress from a year ago. I just don’t know how to fight. What I am willing to put my family through. What am I wiling to let my kids see me go through? I didn’t have it in me to fight alone but now I am not….. Do I have it in me now? Would he still be there ? I fear so much of that unknown. I went a couple days just crying randomly after that conversation and to be honest it wasn’t even that deep of a conversation. Soon as I got emotional he ended it. Talking about being terminally ill is one of the hardest things imaginable. Thinking about it is unbearable most days now I need to talk about it. Look the man I love in his eyes and say what??? Cause that is the thing I don’t know what to say to him. I don’t know how to put him at ease and I don’t know how to fight for me. I don’t even know how to care about me. I can’t make it to the doctor because everything seems more important than myself. I went to the doctor today I asked questions. I feel lost. I want to fall into his arms and him just tell me it’s okay that I am a mess and that I just don’t have a clue. That he loves me anyway. The entire week I have felt unlovable. Running around being reckless so I can feel anything but sad. Thankfully it is the weekend and I have made my way to his bed where I’ll lay broken and wait for him to put me back together again. I was on such a high from love I never expected to hit so low again. From the mountain top to the bottom of the ocean like a rock I sank. I can’t keep pushing down all the bad and hoping it will disappear. I need to face this…. lay in those safe arms and pour my heart out and trust that he will be there for whatever comes. Trust that I won’t be alone and I have the strength. I thought maybe I should search to see if their were survivors? Maybe I could find hope in a survival story. Then my mind went instantly to what if I search and find none…. Will that not just leave me in more despair? I can’t keep my mind positive. I need to confide in him because I need help….. cervical-cancer-48-638



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