What defines me?

Cancer , A Dozen Kids , Life, Struggle

Today is the second day at a hotel. Today I worked just a short six hour shift. The hotel being directly behind my work was rather convenient. I had a hard day at work. Sunday’s are rough in any good kitchen they are always the busiest day. Even more so at places who serve breakfast I feel like. So I got burnt and my pain level went quite high. It was just a hard day at work. Those happen to the best of us I am sure. When I got off it was instant 101 things to do. A few days ago I had asked John aj’s dad if he could figure out a place for aj for a little bit while I dealt with the issues created by the flooding of my home. He said yes. I explained I had to work that a mutual friend had asked for aj on a certain day. I explained I had little communication and passed on contact info. He said he had me and would handle it. Of course the entire day today he blew me up about when that mutual friend was coming. I haven’t handled any stress well lately at all. So Im at work feeling my phone going off unsure what it is about if my kids are okay. After work I get ahold of john to find out aj hasn’t gotten picked up and he has been dropped off at john’s mom’s needing picked back up. No time is it said that Jess is planning to come get him. I am almost there before I get into contact with Jess to find out that they just weren’t patient enough for a response. It was too late by then though as I had left work to come get Aj already. He was so disappointed he didn’t get to see Jess. I was so disappointed that pretty much the only parenting he could do to help and support me he had completely failed. HE then even blamed his sister and Jess for the miscommunication when in all actuality instead of making all the calls and text to me asking what was going on knowing I had to work and I didn’t have a damn clue I clearly asked if he would monitor it. As it was his family aj was with. He should have been communicating clearer with his sister and jess himself. Stepping up to be an active parent in whatever way you have the ability to do.  So I picked up Aj and put a smile on my face pretending that I wasn’t angry at the situation. I took him back to the hotel with his family. He got to swim and smashed some long John slivers. I bought them some gas farting game. A splurge which I am sure I shouldn’t have and the cards will be lost and someone will be sad over it and I will regret the wasted money but for tonight it makes them laugh. The card game is electronic and it makes noising as if passing gas making them all giggle. The cure for depression is absolutely my minions giggles. They are back at the pool as I type hopefully forgetting the flood and uncertainty that has occured in the last week. I wish that I could wipe it from their memory. Take it all away for them. Mom’s are so helpless to their children’s pain. My leg pain is holding at a ten right now and I wish that I could make it completely fade….. I need sleep and relief. Today in the moment that I was stressed the most I got the sweetest text from the man that holds my heart. He spoke of how he use to enjoy his quiet and peace of having lunch with his birds and now today he didn’t enjoy it as much because he was sad me and the kids weren’t there. My heart swelled with joy. He is my everything seriously. My best friend, the rock that holds me up, the ultimate lover, he is my soul mate. Everyday that I can’t find the light I think of him. I can’t imagine life without him I truly can’t. It feels like I have shared a lifetime with him already he is apart of my everyday functions it’s natural. I wash the dishes and set them on a towel to dry and he comes home to put them away. He takes the trash can to the end of the road in the morning before work and when I get home first after work I bring it up. He doesn’t much care for taking out bathroom trash so I do that. I make his bed and lay out his pj’s everyday.  Leave him loves notes laying around the house in case I won’t be home still when he returns. Or sometimes even if I am home I’ll lay down to nap and he will come in to find love notes scattered about the house and he will come kiss my forehead. I adore waking to those kisses. Who wouldn’t though they are magical . I went to Marc’s after swimming with all the kids and took 4 kids with me. Klowey and Clare had not ever been there before. Fell in love as soon as they walked in of course. Im back at the hotel now and I only want to be at marc’s Im over here trying to find somewhere that feels like home but that is the only place that feels like home at all. My trailer was never home for me. I call his home home far more then mine. I have more clothes there. I feel SAFE there I have not felt that any where else ever. I want to live with Marc…. Fuck that is crazy our worlds wouldn’t even mesh… I want to see him everyday. I want to cook him dinner and be his partner in daily task… Gosh Im moving way tooo fast huh???? It’s not even been 5 months yet.


Donation For Flood Burden

My family was apart of the flood in berrien springs mi. We haven’t been home since last weds. The financial burden is great any help is appreciated



This slideshow requires JavaScript.

Leave a Reply

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.