What defines me?

Cancer , A Dozen Kids , Life, Struggle

I can’t be anything but defeated right now. I worked so hard so fucking hard to walk away to buy the freedom I had been desperate for for years.  That freedom now feels like a death sentence. I ruined our lives. I am the reason everything is gone. I can’t lay blame anywhere else. We had our mansion our giant safe from the flood gates home. I left it behind to give my kids a dump of a trailer in hopes to find happiness. That dump is now gone too. Under water as the river took everything away from me. I am homeless… I can’t even come to grasp with it. I keep stalling finding a new home because I just want mine back. I just started over I lost so much in that process… This will be worse. I should have stayed in the mansion I should have turned the other cheek. Not let my kids lives get washed away. Who moves by a river anyway? I haven’t went to red cross I haven’t reached for any help. That’s admitting it’s over and I’m not ready. I frantically spend my time trying to find answers to who needs help. How I can help while I avoid my own situation. My kids and I are all exasperated. Never ever have we separated but all are in different spots for the time being.  I went to work yesterday finding out the home that would not have anything to save before walking through the door. How do you let that go and focus on cooking? I love my job and work my tush off but I couldn’t get out of my head. My cell in my pocket was going off like crazy. I needed to know what was going on. Work is so supportive and has a program to possibly help defer some of my cost. At this time my kids don’t have clothes or shoes to go to school. I could barely afford my uniform for work to keep my job. I’m terrified of spending money because who knows what the long term cost of this flood will be. I created a face book page for the survivors but it is hard to be on. It’s hard to see so much sorrow in people. My oldest son has cried the most he fears that he can’t graduate from his school he loves. I am afraid he is right. How am I suppose to fill my kids with hope when I have none at all myself. I just have no idea what steps to even take…. my life feels over. Like there is no path it just ended….Posting a pic of my daughter at a make shift red cross shelter isn’t one I ever imagined posting.28056146_10211077019550688_8316012016272812622_n

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