What defines me?

Cancer , A Dozen Kids , Life, Struggle


So I’ve been dating this remarkable amazing fantastic perfect freaking man for a little over 4 months now. The greatest 4 months of my entire life without a doubt I have not ever known happiness his great. Here is the thing… I have cancer and that shit isn’t going away. I didn’t take care of myself far to long before knowing what it was and didn’t pay attention¬† and do what I needed when I did… Even when I got diagnosed I bailed on chemo and radiation.¬† I didn’t have the will power or the support I needed. Then I tried pretending it didn’t exist for awhile. Letting things get even worse. Before Marc I wasn’t not just a bit sad the very day before I had major suicide attempt to the point where as a mom I had to take myself to the emergency room and tell them what I had done and wanted to do.¬† They did NOT help they did not give a fuck. I was at the lowest when the man I had blown off sent me a text….. That text saved my life. I am positive Marc doesn’t grasp the reality of my kids would have had to visit me at my grave had he not sent that text in the exact moment that he did. He didn’t just text and become the man I needed and I live for him now though… HE texted and he became my best friend and showed me how to love me. How to be strong, to have courage, how beautiful I was. I haven’t doubted I was beautiful for a moment since I meet him. I never however took into consideration how hard it must be to love a girl who you could lose far sooner than you wish. When I took the time to think about the emotional toll he must go through often. I felt guilty for expecting him to love me through cancer… I feel like I could be taking something from him.. Like I could hold him back. I know he had things to do yesterday and instead he took care of me. I know he himself had his own pain issues but he did the extra walking to get whatever I needed. I love his selflessness but I wish that I had a better life to offer him. He never talks about my cancer but the text he sent me about it yesterday let me know it’s on his mind often. I wish I could ease it for him and tell him I shall out live him and he will be old and grey on the front porch in our rocker watching the buffalo in Colorado sooner than we can imagine. I don’t know if I’ll live to be old and grey no one does cancer or not but I know I want to spend all my days with him. So I can’t give him a promise to be here forever but I can give him a promise to take the best care of me so I can be around as long as possible. Truth is I want to be! I want to have an eternity of memories with the man of my dreams. He is the world’s greatest creation. My perfect fit.

One thought on “

  1. Debbie Buchtel says:

    We love you and are on your side 100%!

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