What defines me?

Cancer , A Dozen Kids , Life, Struggle

Today I got to meet the amazing people that gave me my perfect boyfriend. It was the highest pain day I had all week. First thing in the morning I spent a hour to myself crying. Then I got in the shower and I literally sat in the bottom of it just balling. There was nothing else I could do in the moment. The pain was far to great to function. I medicated and looked myself in the mirror and did the whole pep talk thing I am so good at. I said today cancer is not going to win. The pain is not going to take your smile so suck up the tears now you’ve shed enough and lets go smile. I medicated a bit more then woke him by doing exactly what I had thought about that morning when I watched him sleep. I took him into my mouth until he asked to have me. He is constantly putting me in the position he now knows is the least painful. It’s an extremely enjoyable position for me…. I am not sure if it is for him or if he chooses it because he is in love with me and doesn’t want to see me in pain. I think it’s the only thing I’m not upfront with him about….I hide my pain as much as I can. It’s getting to be more difficult now though. We spend far more time together and me just not coming over during the bad days isn’t really an option. I tried to eat this morning for him…. I knew I shouldn’t. I did and I paid for it the entire day. My stomach pain had held at a solid 8 all day long. My leg by the time we had finished the standing and walking had hit 9 when we entered the car. I never spoke a word. Anyway lets get back to the day. We got breakfast together. The worst breakfast I had eaten in a really long time actually. Flavorless and not edible at all in my opinion. Not that I cared I really didn’t want to eat anyway. I just always love time with him. I know he enjoys taking me out he gets self gratification from trying to take care of me. It’s truly hard for me to allow. I use to snatch the bill out of his hand or from the server so I could pay. It worked one darn time. He reminds me of my water repeatedly and I smile each time thinking how lucky I am to be of importance to this remarkable man. So after breakfast we are off to my place. To pick up Malachi…. So here we go my teenage adhd son is heading with on a car ride that is more then three mins. The most difficult thing for him to do. The next stop is to Marc’s parents house. We sat in the car waiting for him to go in and bring them out. Malachi and I both telling each other of the nerves we had building for meeting them and the day itself. I see them walk out. My stomach was complete knots. I know how important his parents are to him. I am eager for them to like me and I would be devastated if they didn’t. In the car chatting I start to see all of his amazing qualities in his parents distinctively. His laugh is his father’s laugh. They have a little chuckle used often and a more defined laugh out loud saved for extra special moments. It’s infectious as hell and one of the most fondest things Marc does. His love for animals the passion you see in his eyes when he teaches me about a snake that is from his mom. She has the passion for the animals with that passion for teaching and sharing. It was clear how she spoke with Malachi. I wondered if she picked up on his adhd. He wasn’t medicated for the day and went off topic often sometimes things that seemed unbelievable. Malachi can see and relate things differently it’s not that he is a story teller it’s just his version of the story.  I could tell the way he engaged with her he was soaking up and enjoying having so much one on one time. It’s difficult for me to give that to my kids. One on one days out like today. Ones so tailored to their interest at that. When we arrived at the reptile expo I was in awe. I wanted to be by Marc by I was lost looking at snakes and frogs and everything I have been soaking up information from my amazing boyfriend. It started as me just looking at the snakes in the bedroom I slept. That lead to him telling me a bit. Then I seen the snake room. Videos started after that ones that we laid in bed and enjoyed together. Next thing I knew his love is my love. I am sitting in bed before work watching viper keeper. Not that I will go get a snake room in my house or anything but I truly enjoy snakes. I am learning and completely fascinated by them. It as hard not to fall in love with his passion he is my entire world after all. So I seen the coolest shit I had ever seen and then I would turn from checking out some cool albino and see Marc and Malachi sharing the passion too. They spoke a different language Malachi just knows so much. Malachi hasn’t ever had a man that treated him with respect at all. Keith dragged him from my house while they screamed I hate you back and forth 2 inches apart. Chuck challenged Malachi to fight asking him to step to him. He honestly has never had a positive influence or role model at all. He does now. I would be honored to have my son turn out to be the man Marc is. We finish up seeing all there is to see at he expo and Marc’s mom needs to get some worms. Marc decided to get the car and use restroom while we head for worms. His mom and the rest of us realize that a gentlemen had just purchased the last of the worms she had wanted to buy. She turns and tells me to trip him while she grabs the worms. There is his sense of humor. She said it with such a straight face just has he does when he is trying to tease me about something silly. How could I have feared meeting them they are just older versions of him.  After having no luck purchasing the worms we head to meet at the car. We pass right by Marc sitting at a table and none of us see each other. Out to the car we go only to find him not there of course. Marc’s mom is without a coat she had been hot during the drive and left it in the car. She was in a dress and got cold fairly quickly. Her husband was fast to open his coat and pull her close. There it is that sweet gentleman my best friend is. His dad is clearly where he gets putting me as his priority. We get in the car to head home and his parents begin to talk about when he asked her to marry him. They tell me it was their second date when he asked. At first I was shocked then I gave it some thought. The second day I came to Marc’s I knew he was the one. There was not a doubt in my mind I wanted him forever. I thought about marriage absolutely because I thought about him being my forever. I’m not really to interested in that pc of paper but the commitment I’d absolutely give and have since that second date. He had me from that second date. Like his mother said describing what it was for them it just clicked. I know just clicked doesn’t even come close to summing up how incredibly fantastic my relationship is or how head over heels in love I am. I am so glad he is my forever. I’d never let him go!!!!27858538_10211047649936466_1211308676947913733_n.jpg

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