What defines me?

Cancer , A Dozen Kids , Life, Struggle

If you read yesterday’s post you would know my pain level was high most of the day. I only held down a biscuit and a half of a protein shake. I don’t think I even consumed an entire pop to be honest. I didn’t intake much at all. Last night I tried my best not to wake Marc. I think he went to bed without his shower even he was so tired himself. He too had a painful day having issues with his toe and foot and limping the entire day. I tossed and turned the entire night. I had temperature issues (those are my least favorite) I had pain in both my leg and upper stomach. I had strength issues I feel frail as a 90 year old lady. Out of breath. Sex last night was difficult. Not that I would have mouthed a word to Marc but I was tired. I picked a terrible position for my leg wanting to please him of course. It took all I had to finish for him. In the shower this morning I sat on the bottom of the shower to wash my hair and leaned against the shower walls for support. My arms are heavy to lift. I work the next 6 days. There will not be an excuse to not work. I want this job. I want the career. I absolutely can stay home and write on my butt and make enough to support my family. I just can’t decided to sit home and die yet. I want to be out living and cooking is my passion. I don’t want cancer to take my life. I’ve been taking immune system booster injections. I have stayed relatively healthy to be honest. I just have bad days. A year ago those outweighed the good ones by far now the god outweigh. I have not been good at taking meds or going to the doctor or caring about my personal health in general for well probably my entire life. I can’t count how many iv’s I’ve ripped out and walked out of the hospital. Even with Malachi I was 32 weeks pregnant water broke 5 days in at Bronson hospital. I was alone and I didn’t want to be there. I took my butt home I just ripped off everything walked out of the building drove to my home in stevensville and I ordered pizza hut and got some sleep. I went back the next day and had my baby.  I hated hospital’s and there just was no one ever willing to stay at my side like I would have them. I thought blogging about it would help me refocus the pain into motivation. received_10210586326563670162959352.jpeg

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