What defines me?

Cancer , A Dozen Kids , Life, Struggle


I haven’t really wanted any interaction from my dad in a really long time. Since meeting Marc it’s all I want. My dad raced he was a mechanic and the drag strip was his life. It still is but he is older now and he at some point made the switch to Harley drag bikes. I have seen pics of me as a child in his car at the track on his lap and such. I was told how much I loved it and was never scared even so little by the noise. I remember none of it at all though. Not the memory itself just the story of it. I never cared to know. Now I do I have a desire to know about my dad’s life then. About his passion and having me there. I wonder if as a child we had a bond? Did he take me cause he enjoyed sharing it with me like Marc? Never been curious… I found myself stalking his face book page today. The last time I tried to be friends with him on there he took offense to a parenting post about my kids dad’s and I ended up feeling all kinds of emotional speaking out in anger back to his response and then deleting and not speaking again. I’d say that has been a couple years now. There was a gap before that of a couple years too. I could never forgive what he was never sorry for. I still hold onto the pain and when I try to forgive I just get angrier. In my mind he holds no accountability he points fingers at what others should have done or what obstacle made it to hard for him to do something. I just want the I’m sorry to end at that without the but or what if’s. Just be accountable that you didn’t step up when you should have. You were the man who created me and you should have moved mountains to be my father. There shouldn’t be any excuses to anything less. I’d never offer my kids an excuse for my lack of love shown to them. I have thought about writing a letter. Maybe just showing up at his house 7 kids and amazing boyfriend in tow…Idk what I am even looking for really. He probably doesn’t even remember me or the kids names. 🙁 I know he doesn’t have a clue what my last name is those are just things I’d know about my child. 28200_1309120337385_4170483_n

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