What defines me?

Cancer , A Dozen Kids , Life, Struggle

My entire life I have always been the girl who aims to please. I hate confrontation so much I pretty much always tell you what you want to hear. I hate being someone’s disappointment. I can’t bring myself to create that look in someone’s eye. So if saying no seems to be upsetting I just don’t do it. I’d rather not speak at all then say something that will create a conflict. Leaving most of my actions to be more a form of obligation in my mind then a acting good deed. I mean honestly if I am asked to cover a shift at work and I have my own doctor apt that day no matter how important that apt may be to me I shall make the choice to cover the shift. Now it has a tendency to make me rather biter. I mean always making the choice that benefits another and not yourself gets old you know. Or creating rifts because you can’t communicate that your no super hero and you can’t be what everyone needs all the time. I can’t count how many friends I have left in the dust because I couldn’t say no I can’t be there for you. So now here I am in love… I bet your wondering what that is like? Well it’s totally completely and utterly different. I don’t feel those same feelings now. I can absolutely tell my partner that isn’t pleasing for me. I can’t aide in that. I won’t be able to make it. He has instilled this security inside of me. I know he won’t leave because I am not able to help. He needed me to drive one of his two vehicles home the other day from work. I didn’t feel comfortable it was a bit dark and snowing. I just said that I verbalized my needs and concerns and we made other arrangements together. To have that now even if it only is with just one person feels so freeing. I have spent life feeling like a prisoner in my own head. I have quite honestly always felt like a failure as a mother as a person as a member of society. He takes some of that away. He makes me feel worth something. Can you imagine your entire life feeling worthless…. then meeting the man that makes you feel priceless. I still have a desire to please him, I stopped at his house after work so I could make his bed for him and leave him a note on it telling him his worth to me because I want to make sure he always knows!quote-the-desire-to-please-other-people-is-a-potent-way-to-distract-yourself-from-what-you-gary-zukav-82-30-55

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