Lets talk about sex….. ( adults only post)

I went through most of my life never obtaining an orgasm. I must have been in my late 20s legitimately when I climaxed with a partner for the first time.  The sexual abuse I endured as a child tainted my vision on what sex was. COMPLETELY! At 15 meeting my first husband I had only had willing sex one other time. Even that was sketchy as I did say no to that even at first. Giving in simply because I didn’t have the voice inside to really be firm with my no. With my first husband sex just kind of happened. I was so intoxicated it was like a blink of an eye my clothes were on a bathroom floor and I was on my knees. After that initial time with him I thought for sure I had to be in a relationship with this man. I didn’t even know a thing about him. I knew that I just couldn’t be in a bed with a man I didn’t belong too. So I became his. Sadly the gravest mistake I ever made. Thinking that because he took advantage of my very drunken state that now I needed a title and commitment because clearly I was a whore without one. I stayed in a toxic relationship for many years. Sex was not even once fun or sensual. It felt like a chore a task I needed to complete for him as his wife. Not ever was it something I craved or wanted for myself. Later in the marriage I became more and more submissive. My husband strayed on my marriage and I spent many nights crying over it. At some point my husband stopped trying to hide his infidelities he started flaunting them in front of me. Knowing there was nothing I would do to stop him. He would bring them home in my bed….. Sometimes making me watch sometimes allowing me to go to the other room and shed tears to myself.  Sex became disgusting, undesirable, a chore I hated completing. Children by other women came into play. My daycare provider at the time was coming to my home to sleep with my husband almost every day. I felt sick and low pretty constantly. I found myself living a miserable life. I’d like to tell you how I got tired of it. How I stood up and left. That isn’t my story though. My husband made the rules and I followed. Not always was I compiling fast enough or in the way he wanted me to so the beatings those came often. Eventually a neighbor gave me a bit of attention. He seen the abuse and you know I’d like to say he wanted to save me but looking back now he wanted to fuck me. He did too one night while my husband was cheating I found my way out to my back yard to cry. The neighbor whisked me in his house and I was in his bed when my husband dragged me out by my hair. I got the worst beating I had ever received from him. The neighbors watched for a few moments before calling the police. The blood ran down my cheek and I remember telling Keith to go get the hell out of there before he got in trouble. I was pregnant with our third child at the time. I couldn’t stop them from arresting him. I tried to lie to the cops but the marks on me and the witness was too much for the cop to ignore. Keith was arrested that day. When he went to jail I felt so free. I remember cleaning the entire garage and hiding my car in it. Locking the doors and enjoying peace with the kids for a bit. He and I had a no contact for some time. Until I like a dumb ass went into court and begged them to lift it. I pleaded that he didn’t mean to be violent with me that he was just drinking too much that night. Keith was sober when he hit me. It was no where near the first time and I was lying through my teeth. I wanted that ppo it was my safety line. I never had to have sex with the man that disgusted me so much ever again with that in place. But who was I without my husband? I had no income. He had kept me at home barefoot and pregnant for the last three years I had nothing. The story could go on and on in he cycle of abuse I was wrapped up in. I had one more child before leaving for good. I shouldn’t say I left really as that portrays me having a back bone and not taking anymore from him. Which was not the case. His mother took and destroyed all I had they took everything I had for my kids they took it all. They made sure I was at rock bottom and pulled every ladder that hung in my hole up so the climb would be as tough as they could make it. I did climb though. I got my own place got my kids. I got a great job walked my ass to work and provided for mine. I felt some strength again. Then I meet another man. Again I don’t even know what enjoying sex is at the time. My first husband never succeeded in making me climax or enjoy being touched or teased or made love too. This man was no different than any other the sex was still the same. I just couldn’t enjoy it no matter how hard I tried. It just always felt like a task I needed to complete for a man. I used it as a tool to calm fights or to get something I desired. Ill fuck you if you take out the trash for me. It almost became like currency. I eventually meet someone who made sex insanely different. It was dominant and it was kinky and off the wall. It was out of the norm and I craved it. I craved being tied up I loved not being in control. It was very different. I became the role of the submissive as if I had always fulfilled the role. I had my first orgasm watching the man I was dating take a cock down his throat. I think I enjoyed seeing him with men far more then with women because I felt like he trusted me with his secrets. I don’t think it was ever omg he is gay that is so hot. It was more omg he is sharing his love for swallowing cum shots with me because he trust me. He knows I’ll pass no judgement and I’ll never share with another. It became natural to have more then just my partner in bed. Often I was tied up made to watch and teased endlessly. Eventually that power went to his head. He began to degrade me and make me feel low about myself. The submissive role that gave me a high was now giving me no confidence at all it was shredding it from my very being. I became like a shell. Sex was a chore again. I remember the names I was called during our escapades like they were pet names. They hold a place in my head that I can’t seem to evacuate. I wish I could I try. I held onto the body image shaming for years. My sex life was crazy I can’t even believe some of what I have done. How little I thought of myself to allow things to be done to me. I hadn’t really desired sex much for a long time. Then one day I was laying in bed on craig list looking for houses. Idk how I even ended up in personals from there I really don’t. I found his ad though. There it was a pic of his dick and all included. I don’t know what about the ad made me respond. I did though. I didn’t even crave sex for myself didn’t enjoy why on earth was I staring at his cock picture as though I needed to suck it till the last drop? He wrote me back and I felt the excitement. I had watched one to many lifetime movies to bring myself to meet at total stranger though. I stood him up. If i remember correctly maybe even more then once. Im grateful to his persistence though. One day he texted me while I was once again being abused. I was crying had just been football tackled in the living room by a man deserving none of the time I was giving him. My craig list man told me it was his bday. That was when I thought man it’s his bday and he wants to give his time to you. GO! I did! I think it was the grandest thing I ever did for myself. Before this man I truthfully don’t remember ever having selfish sex. You know the kind where you get yours before worrying about his. The kind that you thoroughly enjoy? I had it that night though. He was so patient asking me permission before touching or going down on me. Oh his face between my thighs sends me to the moon. I climax every single time he taste me or is inside of me. I crave his attention. I crave the sex. I want to try everything let him touch me everywhere. I never feel obligated at all…. I could tell him no while he is rock hard ready to go and he wouldn’t’ get angry with me at all. I can tell him I don’t enjoy something or that I do. I can easily communicate what my desires are. It feels freeing. I don’t need multiple partners I haven’t ever felt inadequate for him.  A feeling that has consumed me in all of my previous relationships. Laying in bed naked with him I stare over his body letting my hands explore and touch. I enjoy taking him into my mouth and tasting him. I was always afraid of being nude. The judgement was unbearable. I never felt sexy ever. Even if I was told I was it never resonated deep down. Until he mouthed the words as he would run his hands over me. He didn’t just tell me once or twice he tells me everyday. I wake every morning to hearing im beautiful.  He has instilled a trust so deep inside me. I am so in love that sex is amazing. It brings me life inside. It fills my insatiable desires to the rim. I can’t wait to see what the future holds now that I have learned to enjoy sex. It’s so much fun!me4

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.