What defines me?

Cancer , A Dozen Kids , Life, Struggle

I sat in my bed early as shit this morning my head thinking far more than I wanted it too. I do that all to often think about things that just seem to make me sad. Old memories I have tucked away that slip out. This morning my memory that crept in left me with a very empty feeling. I was remembering being a teenager. My grandma dee had just remarried. I had such torn feelings about that because my grandpa who was my entire world had passed just months before my grandma had moved on moved in and remarried. Her new husband had just one daughter. She wasn’t much older then me maybe 8-9 years older at the time. I am really bad at dates but I’d say I was 15-16 I was a freshman in highschool. I couldn’t go home. It wasn’t a option even on the table at the time. I really didn’t have anyone or anywhere. I was the troubled teen no one wanted. My mom definitely wasn’t trying to spend her time saving me.¬† I was empty and alone always. We had moved so much having that best friend didn’t work out for me. I just had me. I clinged to any sign of attention anyone who wanted to listen I would talk. Visiting my grandma’s I meet Kim and her husband. Kim was my new grandpa’s daughter. She and her husband had one daughter at the time. She was just a infant. They had a small two bedroom apartment in south bend/mishawaka area. I’m not really sure how the offer came about but I had nowhere and they ending up opening their home for me. I moved in barely knowing them at all. I was so empty and alone I clung to them as if they had been family my entire life. I treated them as my aunt and uncle even though we had no real relation. I got a job right away working at the dairy queen all the way in niles as I needed to work in Michigan. I made sure to find my own transportation. I picked dairy queen because the owner was on the school board at the private school I was attending and 50 cents every hour I was working went straight to my tution. As a bonus to us Michigan Lutheran student employees. I attended private school in St Joe and I lived in Mishawaka that is a 45 min commute. I had no license no car but I did figure that shit out. I found a girl that went to st joe too and I carpooled with her. I would walk to this gas station about a half mile from my apt. I would meet my carpool at 515 am. I would wake up for that walk at 3 am. Shower and dry my hair before leaving. I wanted so badly for someone to notice how damn hard I was trying. Never really obtained that gratification though. No one noticed me. I thought briefly for a moment that Dave did… That he may have even really loved me as his niece. His wife Kim I think she moved me in to do a good deed. That she meant well but for women it’s hard to share their homes and lives with a young girl that really isn’t anything to them. I could see her jealousy clearly the day I bought meat and supplies for dinner and Dave took me to the kitchen to teach me his famous nacho recipe. I tried to make sure she knew I loved her was grateful for her and new my place. I was not a threat to her family or her place. It was to no avail. A Christmas card or birthday card or something of that nature came in the mail. Apparently it was opened. I was blamed. I NEVER opened that card. She said I had to steal potential money that may have been in it. I didn’t need nor care enough about money to have stolen a thing or even thought to do so. I wanted a family so desperately there is just no amount of money that would have let me make a choice to ruin the only thing close to that I had. This opened card caused her to make me leave. That day…. I had been there 6-9 months I had loved their daughter with my entire heart! Now I was homeless again. No one nowhere. Still just a child. Looking back now I see why it’s so hard to trust or anger anyone as all I ever think is if I do they will be gone. Not saying no not disappointing anyone that is who I became. I get such anxiety trying to tell someone that I don’t want to do whatever they may wish of me. I even started this blog originally to help me have a voice to say what I feel without fear! WIthout worry of who I am disappointing just by my thoughts or opinions. I hold no anger at all towards Kim I know exactly how she felt and why she made her choices. She was so young herself newly married and vulnerable of her own place in life. It changed me as everything did. I know that I never could stand up back then and say this is crazy why are you doing this to me? I could not have EVER done this? Did you set me up because you couldn’t say that you wanted me to leave? Man I had so many things I wanted to say. But I hate hurting anyone’s feelings I remember crying in a closet for hours thinking they could just throw me away over a bday card being opened??? REALLY!!! I felt worthless so much as a child so empty always. I say as a child but I think the last 4 months is the only time I haven’t felt that. I haven’t ever ever felt like anyone’s priority I mean I probably stated a time or two I did but only because I was treated with a bit of kindness and thought that is what it was only to see the true selfishness later. The last 4 months though I have KNOWN I was important. I have known I was and am loved. I can do this memory thing everyday for a lifetime reminding myself of all the damage that made me so broken and how unloved I felt. Sad really how little I remember love or genuine¬† affection before these past four months…. Even if I had remembered I can tell you an event later that showed it to be fake or false…. I keep waiting for that now for him to just tell me that he is does that the mistake I made this time is that one he won’t forgive. So I fear talking to him about anything that may disappoint him. He bought me a cell phone and a kid dropped and broke it. I cried for a hour and a half before I could tell him because I feared he was just going to not be able to forgive me and will leave. After all a card being opened was enough… I am so easy to stop loving so easy to leave. Why would it be any different for him???

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