What defines me?

Cancer , A Dozen Kids , Life, Struggle

I have kind of put this whole wall up dividing the life I lead just a few short years ago to the life that I had lead to the one I have created in the present. I’m sure most have some sort of separation from their younger wilder self to the more mature grown. I just have such a hard time coming to terms that that wilder self was a version of me. It almost disgust me. My second marriage is one of the mistakes that I can’t understand how I made. I can’t understand how I was able to see past all of the draining negative and try and create a positive. Maybe the hunger for attention left me uncaring of what kind of attention I was getting. The scenario in my head was not what it should have been. You get married for love but it was very clear I hadn’t ever married for love. My first marriage was for my kids, for my security, and for a family that I spent my life craving.  Now here we are at my second marriage…. I think at the time that I am in love with a married man. Now I know what your thinking everyone did what a fucking homewrecker falling for a married man. That wasn’t the case. This man I had fallen for years and years before his marriage was even thought about. I had spent years putting in time. I knew him better than she could have. I held anger in my heart at the time toward her thinking she had ruined and stolen the life I had planned. Later she would hold that same hate for me. So I had some twisted idea in my head that if I married my second husband that I would forget, let go, move on from the married man. That married man was crossing the line on a daily and completely had my head wrapped around him and the idea of being someone’s mistress just wasn’t what I wanted. I couldn’t back off on my own I had actually tried so much and every time I got sucked back in. My 2nd husband was a man I had this ongoing unhealthy completely insane relationship with for years. He cheated, I cheated and somehow I thought a marriage would keep me from said married man and create a loving relationship where currently was a toxic one. I can’t even wrap my head around my thinking back then. I had this fear of being alone that left me always in a relationship. So it really doesn’t surprise me I gave next to no thought to marriage. For me I seen it as we would be there for each other always. I didn’t see it as a commitment and it never became one. Of course I had crazy feelings for larry ( my second husband) I am not trying to say I didn’t think it was love. I thought I loved Jeff too ( the married man). I knew when signing the paper it wouldn’t be traditional we wouldn’t have a fairy tale. I barely knew the man I stood in the courtroom with and he clearly had no clue who I was. How could he as I had no damn clue myself. It didn’t keep me from the married man it didn’t stop his efforts at making me his mistress and just 3 short days after I said I do that married man’s bed was where I was laying….. I can’t believe some of the piss poor decisions I was capable of making. Like was I not sober or what? Who makes irrational and unhealthy choices like that? I wanted to tell Jeff no a million times over the course of this week long diasterious adventure I had….. After being in his bed just once he was no longer worried about being caught. He started texting me far more saying whatever it took to creep into my head. Playing on all of insecurities. I had no care of the husband I left behind. The kids who sat home with my baby daddy. Not that my kids weren’t being cared for but I should have been home. I shouldn’t have been out with a married man and I shouldn’t have married a man I wasn’t ready to commit my life too. I had no knowledge of what kind of example I was being to my children. It was like I had blinders on. The sex the running the words he said to me it lite up my sensors and I was on some kind of high from it all. Blowing money that could have should have been spent bettering my kids and my own future. I blew the money on a week long hotel stay hiding from my life and his. After Jeff came home with me… I ended up having a few months of that high.. a few bumps of course. Then I realized Jeff had no real love for me… His love is just all for himself. The love he had claimed for anyone else was fake. I could see it so clear in this one moment. I remember it so clearly I was sitting at the computer desk in my bedroom of the new buffalo home. I read some messages he wrote about his family. His own blood. He was twisted and had far more issues than I myself had. I knew that day everything I thought was love wasn’t. I wish I could say I stayed away from Jeff and left him to his own path and healing but I went back several times. Even after knowing so clear it wasn’t real. Even knowing his presence was toxic it lowered me and my life. I still really struggled walking away. But back to the 2nd husband I left in the dust for all this. He was probably the most damaged man I have had the privilege of meeting. Mine and Larry story is probably the saddest out of all of them. I watched him die…. He overdosed on heroin in front of my eyes. I gave the okay for one of the biggest needles I have laid eyes on to go through his chest to restart his heart and bring him back to the land of the living. Him and I weren’t living together at the time. He had in fact shortly before told me he had another girl pregnant. That paper meant that we were there for each other though remember? I really lived by that. Our dysfunctional toxic marriage it meant something to me still. I stayed at the hospital with him and slept on the tile floor. I was there the entire time. I rarely left the room at all. I went on the run once taking a charge for a crime Jeff committed and I ran to my husband. We weren’t together then either. Both of us were dating others. But I needed him and so he was there. Everyday he hide me from the police He found a house that was close enough to my kids that i could see them and be with them everyday. HE had my back. There are a million scenarios where I could tell you examples of us just having one another’s back without question in the worst of times. But for all of those there is another time that I can just as easily describe of a situation that we tore each other down to nothing causing graver pain then any other could have laid on us. He is sitting in prison now. A place he has spent the better portion of our marriage in. I have always said that I would never file a divorce that we both needed each other that paper gave us someone and neither of us ever felt we had that. For us we had convinced ourselves our marriage worked. That it is what we wanted. I know that to not be true. He doesn’t file a divorce because he is an addict and he can’t part with the money that could be used to feed his addiction. Am I too an addict addicted to unhealthy attention? Addicted to feeling like I’m not alone? Do I need this paper for something I can’t rationalize? I can’t think of a single rational reason to stay in this marriage. I never changed my name to his I never check the box that says married. I don’t claim this marriage ever unless he needs me or I him. That isn’t fair. It’s not fair to myself even. I am in a healthy happy relationship and I feel guilty for this title still in standing. I feel as though it holds me back. I live a lie keeping it.  I think it’s time to let go to really get the divorce I have claimed to have more than once. I think him and I both have messed up papers in some sort of fear of letting go. I no longer want toxic or unhealthy I want to be free from all of it. Make smarter wiser healthier choices for myself and my family. me n larry

Leave a Reply

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.