What defines me?

Cancer , A Dozen Kids , Life, Struggle

I never much sugar coated that I am a damaged woman. My heart is most always hanging on the tip of my sleeve. I’m overly emotional and take more to heart then most. I constantly need reassurance of love and trust. That is beginning to come out more and more. The further in my relationship I get I keep thinking there is no way he just loves me.  It’s not possible for him to be satisfied with what I have to offer because I feel like I have nothing to offer. On my sane moments like now I feel guilty because I know it must be exhausting to be him and always have to prove or show that trust or love to me. I feel bad that my damage is now his burden. I wash his laundry and fear him being angry with the way I fold it. Although I know darn well he is grateful and never ever angry. I fear talking to him about things because I don’t want him to be mad at me. Even though he really hasn’t ever been mad… if he has he surely didn’t make me fear him he didn’t raise his voice or change it. Why do I punish him for the things he hasn’t ever done? Why can’t I talk to him and know he will still be there after even if it doesn’t make him happy in the moment? I fear him leaving more then I have ever feared anything it’s crazy it’s been just a few short months and I am so attached to him and the me I am with him. I feel stronger I feel far more emotionally stable with him. I want a better life for sure! I want to tell him that I know that I am damaged and I know how much work he puts in to make me feel LOVED and TRUSTED even when I have given him reasons not to or to maybe given reasons for him to back off….. he didn’t he stayed strong showing me everything I need! I can’t change what I have went through, I can’t help but wish I had meet him sooner. I think life would have been happier so much sooner…. I didn’t know much happiness outside of my children before him. I faked it often to not be alone but I had not ever felt real happiness in another before him.

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