What defines me?

Cancer , A Dozen Kids , Life, Struggle

Obviously I have been more emotional today then normal. This is my third blog so I am also alone in those thoughts recklessly venting them here. I sat thinking maybe every single choice I ever made was wrong. Self doubt is a terrible demon. Six years ago I stumbled upon an ex who was totally toxic for me! As I was for him too. Sounds like the perfect man for me to then put back into my life! I know I am incredibly ignorant at times. I ended up right back into his bed. Lacking the ability to say no to be clear about my feelings not allow myself to be in a relationship because I just need to be in one. He was the furtherest he could get from sober back then. I was so careful already had a tubal and had no intentions of getting pregnant. New years eve I got sick. I ended up in the er to hear that I in fact was pregnant. By I a man with no job no ambition no home as he was losing his in a eviction at the time. No part of our relationship was happy. I was just coming into taxes and he was spending it. He was there for what he could gain never was it for love. I left him while I was pregnant. He moved to st joe and I in turn moved to new buffalo. I knew the space would be what I would need to stay the hell away. I can’t say no so I had to just drop contact pretend as though he didn’t exist. On my birthday just two weeks before I gave birth. I went to Erik’s house. He was in a drunken shamble when I arrived. He was suppose to come with me to get my van’s oil changed before I went into labor. I had a hard time pulling onto the thing at the oil place and wanted him to do it for me. I managed to get him out of bed and to go with me. He sat with me in the van bringing me to tears while they changed the oil. He told me he wouldn’t want my child if we weren’t together. He belittled and spoke very down to me. Pregnant and hormones racing I was very emotional. I remember taking him back to his house and not letting him come to the doctor apt that followed the oil change. I had however taken him before. The text that day came one after another slandering my name my parenting abilities threats you name it and chances are I read it in a text from him that day. The stress was sending me into early labor. It was clear sober wasn’t going to happen for Erik. Here I am pregnant with my 8th child due any day to be alone. The man that I choose to be my child’s father once again falling very short of that bar. The things Erik could say about my unborn child were mind blowing and lets not forget this isn’t even his first child. He impregnated a child as a ADULT! He had a daughter of whom I watched him abuse oxy’s while caring for. A daughter I had already spent more money on then he had since I meet him what would he bring to the table as a father to my son. I went into labor two weeks after seeing Erik for the last time. He will tell you I didn’t call and made no effort but that’s not the case. He has me blocked but I exhausted all efforts emailed contacted his parents every thing I could think of to try I did. Day 3 in hospital I asked Charles to sign paytyn birth certificate. Letting him know he would be his father for life. Erik was so clear about not wanting the baby unless he obtained the package. He was in no shape to be a father. Now I’ve lied on a pc of paper that will effect my son forever. A year later I talked to Erik for an entire 24 hours he and I had plans for a DNA test to be done and I was to drive to meet him. He wanted 1000 dollars to take the test. I had taxes it seemed like a great idea I was all for it. I said yes I said I’ll see you tomorrow. I woke up thinking if I had to pay him to see if he was his sons dad what was he still going to bring to the table. I didn’t show. Creating more anger in Erika heart for me. I have made contact once every 6 months to year since paytyns birth but each time he blocks that form of contact. I hate myself for making a choice for my son that wasn’t mine to make. I don’t think Erik would have been the father paytyn needs. He still isn’t in his daughters life and I’ve had several other girls contact with stories much like mine. Today I sent Erik a picture of his son making a identical face to one of his. His response cut like a knife then he blocked me again I wanted to apologize for what I took away from him. I had hoped that I could tell him about his son. Erik is not innocent to dishing out pain my way but I’m sure it’s painful to miss your first sons life and I’m sorry I made the best choice in my mind in the moment but I so wish I had the knowledge my wiser self has now I would have chose differently.

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