What defines me?

Cancer , A Dozen Kids , Life, Struggle

I just don’t understand how one person can want to cause pain for another? How can someone live with their choice to lower another person? How can someone claim love and try then to take everything you love away? To think a man that I have spent 15 years creating a life with is now angry enough to destroy any and everything I love at any cost. The words spewed from his mouth make me wonder who the hell he is. The mood swings from one total extreme to another. The fine line between love and hate doesn’t even seem to exist. If he can’t have me he will destroy me. He spent 15 years destroying all that was good between us. It has all collapsed in my lap. I am hear holding pieces of what was a life built together.  He can’t see what he is doing now. Looks past damage he is creating and has only got focus on his own selfish needs. As I sit here contemplating how this all came to be. How I let things get so grey and complicated. As he makes calls that will and do have awful negative effects on my children I wonder if he ever loved them. As he can’t see the hurt he is creating for them. Trying to grasp on to whatever life raft may be available for me. He is stretching his arms out with a knife in his hand to pop the raft and watch me drown. There isn’t a doubt in my mind that he is toxic. Walking away forever is the only solution. How do you do such a thing with the man that is the father to your child? Is there a way to successfully mend this into a existing co parenting relationship? I think he stole my keys to my mailbox. I fear everything. Who he could call what crazy schemes he is creating to sabotage my life. I sit and sulk in worry. It has consumed me. My kids are the only thing in the entire world that I would die for. I long for creating a happy healthy environment for them. I long to give them the peace they deserve. Not to have to worry about what actions may be taken by those who are angry with me. I wish we could just become unknown to anyone. Live life in these walls happy and healthy and together. Every choice I have ever made in the moment I thought it was the best for the kids. Now I wonder if I even had a fucking clue what was best. I gave up 15 years of my life to provide a father to them whom now may be the reason they live without one for the rest of their lives. HE wasn’t good enough for them. Is anyone able to even reach that bar though? To be good enough for my kids the most valuable possession I have. To feel as though you have to constantly be on watch is exhausting. I wish that I could find him a new girl to be addicted to pass him onto the next. But he is a burden I wouldn’t wish on a soul. I wanted to help I thought I could save him that his issues stem from his child hood and I of all people should have some compassion for that. He didn’t know love so how can I expect him to understand to give it. Can I be angry at him for being the only him he knows how to be? Is it myself who is selfish blaming him for all that is wrong with my world right now? I stayed, how long did I know I needed to leave but stayed. How many excuses did I make for the behavior? I never demanded to be treated as I deserved I allowed the abuse. I walked and came back like a fool repeatedly so how can I now point a finger and say this is your fault. His call now may have created the situation currently but my lack of actions far earlier is why I am in this position. I doubted my own ability to parent alone. I thought for sure having a sub par dad was better then not having one. I thought the fake love he gave was better then none. Changes are controlled by me I have the ability to change my fate change destiny. The path I follow is made by me. I don’t have to feel obligated to anyone but the kids they are the only ones I am accountable for. I need to strive for a better future everyday. Stop laying blame even if it is rightfully so because I have no control over those actions. I can’t make him stop calling. Following his so called rules won’t be a magic fix it button. The thing I can control is my own actions. How I deal with him and the backlash he gives is on me. I get to create my smile or destroy it. The power I keep giving others to do that is inside me and I don’t have to give it. It’s a choice my life is. I am strapped up and ready to fight for all that I love. Steps toward happiness are the goal. Finding peace in my parenting being enough. Knowing I give my all and I can do no more then that. 25660409_10210649816830887_2754723723662978395_n.jpg

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