What defines me?

Cancer , A Dozen Kids , Life, Struggle

So I haven’t blogged in a bit and now today was completely overwhelming if I am being honest yesterday was up there too. I wish I had better control over my emotions. I find myself easily worried and anxious pretty much all the time. I am almost always consumed with guilt. I say I am sorry more then anyone else I know. I genuinely mean it when I speak the words as I try very hard to be non confrontational. Thirty days ago I made this move for freedom and I knew the road would be VERY hard. I had really no grasp in how much emotionally it would drain from me. Or how much Marc would be my savior. This morning be I was even able to arrive to work Charles and I were at each others throats. HE had forgotten something and demanded us turning around for it even though it would clearly make us both late for work. He seems to feel invincible as though he is above rules and authority. He cared very little about being late even begun to rant how he would cuss anyone out that had something to say about it. I had tears before 7 am. For no reason of course because why exactly am I taking this man to work? Why do I feel the need to still go above and beyond to be kind to someone who can’t even get through a work day without belittling you. I watch what I say I keep my happiness locked up inside because if I were to share how genuinely happy I am in my current  relationship he would go out of the way to sabotage it. I fear him taking everything away all the time. Even things clearly out of his control. Living your life in fear and turmoil is no way to live. It’s no wonder that I was so willing to end it just a short time ago. When I got to work I walked into hearing that Chuck was basically going to make the day hell again as they wanted me to work his grill. I completely lost it, I was tired and drained from the fight that has escalated before work. I was suppose to be cleaning a house alone that day and enjoying my day off now here I was covering a shift that would soon be the shift from hell is all I could think. Chuck has to have everything his way or he has a tantrum. So I have spent my days trying to please and pacify his needs. Its completely consumed me. Often makes me angry at my job and myself for going to such lengths for someone who ruins my fucking life. I have paid the price for freedom and yet forgot to take it in my grasp. So This morning I was ready to leave my job in total shambles I tell you what. I walked out to my truck sat in my seat and picked up my phone to call the man I knew would help me see clarity through the emotions I was feeling. I never call so I knew he would answer and know I needed him even though he too was at work. He picked up at the second ring just his voice had calming effect to my state. He could tell instantly something was wrong. He asked and I poured out my heart. He responded with he didn’t know what to say. He didn’t really need the right words in the moment just wanted to hear he loved me which of course he said three times for comfort. I soon calm and gather my emotions. I decided I could NOT let this man control my life anymore. There was no freedom if he still had all this control. I was going to get my head together and get my butt back to work. I have babies to support for goodness sakes. I got out the truck and began to put away the stock that was out on the ground. Giving myself a bit to relax and regain my composer. I went into my job and did the daily functions trying to not be distracted by his negativity. The amount of times the man says he hates his job and wants to quit is so exhausting. At some point that morning my boss calls me to speak to her. Offering to give me Friday off for covering the shift today. My first thoughts is I really need the money I probably shouldn’t. Then I remember Thurs is my big dentist apt that I have already rescheduled twice. I could be in pain after and having friday off will be great. So I agree that I would love to have the day off if it is possible. So I walk back to the kitchen after talking to her and I can see it in his face he isn’t happy. Talking to someone when he can’t hear us is breaking the rules. He needs to know what is being said he need verification it wasn’t about him. He needs to know everything secrets aren’t allowed. Privacy isn’t obtainable in the world he resides. So I try to avoid even telling him but he repeats like a million times wtf was that about. I finally give in aspirated from his repetitiveness and tell him that she had offered me that day off. Straight away he throws a fit. He demands to know why the hell I think I need a day off. He doesn’t stop and even give me a moment to respond before going straight into a I will quit my job I’m telling you right now you ARE working. Lets keep in mind this is the man claiming some undying love and loyalty for me. Claiming to have my best interest at heart. Telling me a day off is just not in the cards for me because he refuses to work with anyone else. The rest of the day he was in a shitty mood. A couple tickets come in on his side and he hates eggs doesn’t want to do them. I hop right over and take his spot jumping right into the omelettes hanging that are the source of his anger.  Hoping to ease some of his hostility. No chance at such a thing though I try to attempt prep and things that needed done but it was hard to get off the line as he was having no part in being a team player. He tells me at this point it’s my fault he is angry for telling him I was going to possibly be off on Friday. SO the entire day is long and hard as most days working at his side are. The time passes pretty fast though and I excitedly get off the clock to head home. I am set on a relaxing bath some blogging and some lifetime. The whole day I had pepped talked myself that I only needed to get thru till 2 pm then I was home bound for that luxurious tub and that drama filled lifetime channel. I got home and went immediately to run the tub. Feels as though it takes an eternity to fill that gigantic thing. I climb into the tub and begin to enjoy the serenity when I hear kids yelling from outside the locked bedroom door that the cops are here. What on earth could this possibly be about. I scramble for clothes and get to the door. It’s a list of allegations against my parenting.Its far from a short list and it’s clear almost instantly it came from Chuck or his family again. How many times can they call before someone will listen to their lies? I go through the process of debunking one after another allegation. The officer stands in my living room going through one after another and I just want to cry inside. I’m trying to hold it together to not fall to the ground and say that was it there is no fight left I can’t get through anymore!!!! This is just too hard! Then I look at Hailey who is now being questioned by the same officer she is almost to tears with worry. I know that I have to just pretend things are okay in the moment because that is what she needs. I do and we get through all of the officers questions. She explains she has no choice but to turn it over to cps and how she hopes the cps worker I get knows me and sees this for what it is. I let the officer pull out of the drive and then instantly text Marc. I had an overwhelming need to hear his calm voice of reason. I texted him to call when he got off work he called sooner though and I was grateful he made time for me. He helped me to see the clear plan as to what I needed to do. He spoke of reason while still letting me know I wasn’t alone. He was there for me for everything and would be at my side to walk through whatever storm was coming. Giving someone the peace of knowing your going to go through whatever comes at you together is a huge gift. I trust him so completely that him saying we will get through this and we will be okay is firmly believed. Fear is lifted by his affirmation of being in this with me. None of it his burden to carry but all of it is on his shoulders too. It provides comfort to say the least. I have still got the long hard road ahead but I believe in him when he tells me better days are coming. I have trust in that if I listen to the direction he gives I’ll succeed in having a happy more fulfilling life. Completely overwhelmed everything that can go wrong is but I am not in doubt that we won’t handle it all together. I don’t think it will be easy but I think with him at my side I am capable of over coming all of it. I have faith in me because he believes in me.

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