What defines me?

Cancer , A Dozen Kids , Life, Struggle

So before leaving I meet the guy this incredible remarkable almost too good to be perfect guy. Every single day he just shows how much more perfect then I imagine him to be he truly is. Tonight we were talking and I had realized that because I am active and running on Amazon and my blog again that it is posting to social media. I know he reads at least some of my post to social media and knew it was a safe bet he had seen them. So I brought it up in a message his response completely melted my heart. He is the most attentive, sensitive, sweet man on the planet. He told me yes he had seen my blog via post and my wonderful 14 year old daughter. He told me he read a few paragraphs and realized that my blog may be something left best for just me. He was asking cause if I wanted him to he’d been happy to read. He just felt I’d be more free to write if he didn’t read. HE was and is absolutely right. He is welcome to read but knowing that he isn’t does allow me the freedom to not second guess how he may take something I share. I would not say it’s that i want or need to hide anything just I’ll be less worried about his thoughts while posting. I share everything with him anyone. I talk to him all day long everyday. As i read him explain why he stopped reading I couldn’t help but have thoughts of being undeserving of his love. This wonderful man with everything together can’t possibly love this single mom of 8 falling apart at the seams. Let me not confuse you thought I completely trust in his love. I know without a doubt he would never have let the words leave his mouth to me if he didn’t mean them. I know by every action he takes he loves me I in fact knew before he ever said it. I just don’t think I am worth his love. His love is so abundant and amazing and perfect and I am so flawed. I am showered in his affection and understanding but I’m just not able to feel good enough for it. I’m constantly wondering how I got so lucky. I know he think’s I’m beautiful and I look in the mirror like where does he see it? I’m so addicted to his touch. I crave his energy and positive vibe all day long. In those moments that things seem so overwhelming I know that he will be at my side to create some brilliant plan to make things better. If he had a instant fix he would have already done so for everything that needs repaired. He feels my heart and mends my soul. Accepting I am enough for this man to love that I can give enough back to be worth all he gives me is hard work. I have on many occasions fell apart and left him wondering why I was canceling and hiding behind and excuse through a text. Lucky for me his love his real and he is holding on tight. 🙂

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