What defines me?

Cancer , A Dozen Kids , Life, Struggle

Three weeks has passed by with me living outside of his grasp. Yet I still go out of my way to make sure he has his needs meet. Even above my own needs in fact. I make sure he has my truck the one my grandparent’s gave me to provide for mine and my children’s needs. Leaving myself and them both walking in the snow and frigid temps all the time. I go into work twice a week 4 hours before my own shift and work for him. Basically just helping him in attempt to make him less of a dick head through the day. One day a week I get up 5 hours before I need to clock in myself and sleep in the truck in the cold just to make sure he is there for his shift. I wanted to be kind I didn’t want to leave a man that has spent the better part of his life raising my children without anything…… Even if he wasn’t what I needed and he wasn’t the best dad he had to get some credit for being present right? There I go again like always feeling obligated to some man for some bullshit I think he did for me. I mean lets break this down really. I was his mom for the last 15 years. I did all of everything the budgeting the planning the pulling everything back together when shit hit the fan and fell apart. The shit he lays claim to do wasn’t even really doing anything. I mean he made a call to his dad for help his grandma and aunt too from time to time. His mom he’d even call her if he was real desperate. The man never did a thing for me or my kids or anyone I can ever recall that he didn’t know he was going to have some form of self gain from. He is pretty damn blunt about it in most cases. I felt like a slave I felt like a prisoner and now even being out all the shit I still do still leaves me feeling like that prisoner. I am proud of my strides don’t get me wrong but I feel like a coward for still helping him in any way. I wish I didn’t fear the repercussions of him. I almost still feel the same obligations from a different address. I fear him….. maybe not always in this he is going to bust in my house and beat my ass but I fear him. I am still living in fear of what he may say or do or how he will act at work. The scene he will make. If he will cry or be angry in front of my children when I am not around. My kids stay at his house in obligation too they don’t want him to be sad and lonely he putsĀ  guilt on his on children for his own self needs. Then the kids cry that he makes them stay just to go to bed and leave them feeling lonely.I am starting a cycle I already have started a cycle. I can break it. I just need to be clear and stand up. I have always been on my own with him as a anchor holding me down I need o stand tall and make the changes I need for our happiness! I can type it all day but I really just don’t know how to make a stand. It will have so many negative effects to things around me……. Am I strong enough myself to even handle the backlash… Is it worth it. Is it really that big of a deal to just let him use truck…… talking myself in circles about the issue is exactly how I have been handling it…. My kindness is clearly my weakness.

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