Coward

I still feel like a prisoner…Everything still revolves around not upsetting him. I have to break the cycle and stand up. I so desperately want to say screw you I will not aide you in getting to work. Hell NO I won’t refill your laundry soap bottles buy your own. I want to scream I OWE YOU NOTHING! I want to break contact to feel like I only have to be accountable for myself. I still feel linked to him he still holds control. Maybe not as much. I have the ability to shut off my phone and close my door now.  That only works till I walk thru the door at work. I find myself conforming to the rules I spent all this effort escaping because I don’t want things hostile. I want peace so badly that I give up fighting and let him have his way. The art of belittling me seems to come natural to him. I wonder how much I will endure before taking a stand. I now know what love is. I know what respect feels like. I understand the difference in healthy and unhealthy but still play on this teeter tooter game with him. He is still given the power to absorb all my happiness with the venom he spews…. I am the only one who can stop giving it to him. I just have to decide what I am worth? What am I willing to put up with?  I need to make the changes and steps to keep moving forward with this. I should not be letting this man have my vehicle while I walk in the cold. My grandparent’s would be applaud if they knew what I have been doing for weeks. Why do I fear hurting someone who so easily causes me pain everyday. Clearly it is me that needs fixing as I am the one in control over how I allow  myself to be treated. I am in control of my feelings…. I wonder if this is how the lion felt.

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