What defines me?

Cancer , A Dozen Kids , Life, Struggle

An entire week I spent anticipating this dress shopping. I was overly ecstatic to get to be a princess and try on dresses and get to pick one! Never for a second did I think this shopping trip would cause me anxiety or leave me feeling overwhelmed. As we pull up to the mall I instantly felt uneasy. I had never been shopping like this. Lets be honest I probably never would had he not been taking me. Even if my income was at the level that it could be afforded I’d never spend money on myself I find it far more gratifying to spend on my kids. I am way more of a thrift store girl then a mall shopper.   I had been to the mall before but just to go to the pet store or to eat at the food court. I hadn’t ever stepped foot into JcPenny. When we walked in and he looked for me for direction to what I wanted or wear to look. I felt like a deer in headlights. The first few dresses we browse are far to small. I soon then start thinking of my weight of how this may not be as fun as I had hoped. I felt the nerves begin to really get worked up. My daughter unknowingly kept saying just grab a dress and try it over and over. Inside my head I’m screaming I am far to fat to fit this stuff. At some point we do get into the plus size section but I don’t really fit that either… I am that awkward in the middle stage wear I don’t really fit regular size but I am not big enough to need plus size. The plus size section was hideous I lost the drive for that fun shopping trip I was planning. He turned to me and told me it was weird that he was leading that I should be leading for dress shopping. I was clueless. At that point I held back tears I could feel the burn in my nose. I walked ahead of him so he was unable to see my face…. I wiped the tears from the corners of my eyes. I took a deep breath and pepped talked myself in my head. Was I really letting dress shopping leave me feeling anything but a princess? Why did I care if it was awkward that I was clueless he loves me for me I don’t need to change it. So I decided at the next store I would try on dresses and enjoy myself. I walked into Macy’s talk about a big fancy store. I found dresses there far easier. There were still not as many in a size that would be flattering for my curves but I had choices. I was still a bit uneasy but determined to not let something so silly defeat me. I found 6 choices and off to the fitting room I went. While inside I again took a moment I sat down. I only need to feel beautiful in his eyes I told myself so stop caring about a thing else. So I put on the first dress and it doesn’t fit. I can’t zip it over my breast at all. I feel a bit discouraged. Second dress, same experience, third dress I close my eyes please fit…..same experience. I wonder if I am going to need one of those ugly plus sizes dresses I had seen at Penny’s that gave me a fright. Fourth dress do I even want to put this on…. It’s a white a black dress and it fit’s not flattering in my opinion by any means but it zips and I need to feel good about myself already because this dress shopping is sucking the confidence right outta me fast. So I decide Ill walk out in front of him. He looks up from his phone and stares and me and says he likes it. I love how I feel when he looks at me. Flattering or not I felt like he wanted to ravish me right there. I realize others are looking at me too though and I start to fidget my hands. I pick up the pace to walk back to the dressing room and out of everyone’s sight. Putting on the fifth dress. This is a dress I picked and it fits too. It’s far more flattering then the one before. I go to open the door to the dressing room which creaked so loudly. The lady who was there while her daughter was trying on formal dresses in the stall next to me was standing right outside the door. I didn’t want to walk past I didn’t want to be in front of anyone but him. I had to hold my own hand to give myself the courage to walk past. I had lost the confidence long before I got to the dresses that fit so there was none left for me to be in front of strangers. He like this dress a bit better then the last one I could tell when I got in front of him. His eyes that is where I feel the most beautiful. One dress left. It was the one he had picked on the rack for me. He had mentioned flowers a few times during the picking out process so I assumed it was something he enjoyed. I truthfully didn’t have a preference I just wanted to make him look good being on his arm. I could have went in pjs and still felt gorgeous on those arms of his let me tell you what! The last dress though as soon as I slipped it on I knew it was the one. It was far more comfortable then the rest. It fit with far less effort. I walked out in front of him this time with a hint of confidence. He loved it I could tell instantly. He even stopped me to ask Hey, which one do you like do you like this one too. I know he would have enjoyed any dress I picked and let me have any of them I wanted. I know he truly thinks I am beautiful. When I went back to the dressing room after that last dress I took the time to spin myself around in the mirror and enjoy. I just can’t wait to be on his arm in it. I absolutely am in love. It feels so amazing a high like NO other! My heart races thinking of what a wonderful time I am going to have in that dress. I love every single experience with him even the overwhelming ones. I have a really good life. Feels so good.

3 thoughts on “Say Yes To The Dress

  1. Sweetannu says:

    Love the way you pen your thoughts

  2. Debbie says:

    You look so beautiful, Danielle! You kill all of them! How could you not? You are so beautiful!

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